by Daisy Rosario

Created on: January 25, 2009   Last Updated: February 10, 2009

A step-father... one who takes a step before giving his opinion, placing the blame, disciplining, scolding, even advising children that do not share his blood. He may have all the good intention of making relationships work with the children of the one he loves, but if he doesnt erase the thick bloodline, his sweetheart's children will make sure he doesn't.

You see, children see stepfathers as a "replacement" to their already existing or non-existing father. The mere presence is a threat to a possible daddy comeback or the potencial reconciliation between mommy and daddy. You could be the most well intentioned, considerate, loving, unconditional and all-forgiving stepfather, but that will never suffice unless you establish a close relationship not with your sweetheart, but with her children for that matter.

How you see yourself, Mr. Stepdad, is also crucial. If you have personal issues about selfishness, egocentrism, lack of kindness, impatience, low threshold for anger and all those goody goody vices that only endanger every other relationship you've ever encountered, then chances are you will not succeed in even starting a relationship with your step child. Your extended step-family also has a harsh impact on your beloved children... Is there equality in treatment for all the children? Is there a balance between demonstrative love and attention, presents and phone calls. Or, are there differences? Do all the children get equal attention during holidays and birthdays? Or are there presents and calls for some but not for others because "her kids are really not yours"? Children observe, they see and hear better than you (because remember, they already have a chip on their shoulders, that cuts deep every day especially on special days). Your stepchildren will seek every possible way to rationalize your lack of attention for them, your authoritative, critical behavior will be more than enough for them NOT to want to even speak to you; never mind the times they hear you arguing with their mother.

Its bound to end if you dont start off on the right foot. They are not moving in on you, you are. They are not the invaders, you are. So your heart and wisdom has to be, must be, big enough to cover your insecurities as a person, a man, husband, lover and potencial father figure, mentor and friend; and sufficient enough to cover their even bigger insecurities as individuals in the formation -a formation that you will definitely influence and affect.

Too many times, step-fathers either try too hard or not hard enough, or simply focus on winning their sweetheart's content and forgets she has a loaded baggage of history with little feet that somehow still feel caught in the midst between daddy is lost and mommy is mean. Don't try being their father, they already have one whether present or far or non-existant. Children of broken homes do have a chip on their tiny shoulders, a chip sometimes so large and sharp, it cuts deep and marks who they will become and how they will relate to others along the life run. Step-fathers cannot take their reactions at a personal level. You have to be a cautious friend, listen all you can, advise only if asked, opiniate only if requested, never ever criticize, and always, always congratulate all accomplishments because after all, in the end, if you make thru their approval, in the end their accomplishments become yours as well.

Never give up, because if and when you do, you will also give up on your second (or perhaps third -or more) relationship. Your relationship will end because good mothers are mothers first and wives (and lovers) second or last....

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