by Patricia Rockwell

Created on: January 24, 2009   Last Updated: January 02, 2010

It is possible to lie to people for virtuous reasons. You might call it selfless lying. Maybe Great Aunt Sophie gave you a ghastly scarf for Christmas. Do you tell her frankly how much you hate it or are you polite, thank her profusely, and then wear it? When most people think of virtuous lying, this is the type of lying they envision.

But is this selfless type of lying really what we typically do when we lie? Most people claim that they would never do anything but selfless lying, that they only lie to protect another person's feelings, as in the Aunt Sophie case above. However, researchers have found that, on the contrary, the primary reason most people lie is selfish-to protect themselves. For example, a man oversleeps, but lies and tells his boss that he is late for work because he ran into really bad traffic; he is lying to save his job. A wife who fails to cook dinner for her husband when she goes out to lunch with her girlfriends, lies and tells her husband that she injured her hand and couldn't make the meal; she is lying to protect her marriage.

This selfish type of lying is by far the most common type of lying. Why do people lie in these cases? They are not trying to protect the feelings of the other person. They lie because lying makes their lives easier. It allows then to maintain good relations with the other person. It saves them a lot of embarrassment. In their minds, there would be nothing to be gained by telling the truth-at least for them.

It is quite likely that most people who lie convince themselves that their lie is a virtuous lie-even if it is self-serving. For example, the man who sleeps late may begin to believe his own lie and forgets that he actually slept late and only remembers how horrible the traffic was on his way to work. In his mind, he exaggerates the features of the lie version and diminishes the features of the truth version. The wife who promises to cook dinner but goes out to lunch instead may cover any guilt she might experience by convincing herself that she does have some sort of hand injury or that her husband is better off not eating a calorie-laden meal and that she is actually doing him a favor. Liars are far more likely to believe their own version of the truth than to stew in guilt over a falsehood they have told.

So, although virtuous lying can and does exist, it is not as common as we might think. The best guideline to determine whether or not a lie we have told or might tell is truly virtuous is to ask ourselves just who the lie will benefit. If it will only benefit us and no one else, then the chances are it is a selfish, self-centered lie, not a virtuous lie.

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