by Mike O'Reilly

Created on: January 24, 2009

If I could spend an hour interviewing anyone, past of present, it would definitely be Mel Brooks. But he never returns my calls. And if I hang around his house, that whole stalking thing comes up, again and again. My little gifts in the mail are never acknowledged, and he never mentions my name in interviews, even though he KNOWS who I am. What a snob. If I could interview him, it would probably go like this.

ME: Hi Mel, its me.

MEL: Security!

ME: No, it's OK Mel, this interview is for a blogsite, Helium.com Ever heard of it?

MEL: Security! Now!

ME: OK, if that's the way you want to play it, fine. While we're waiting for security to arrive, and they are not the quickest people on the planet, are they, can I ask you, how is the horse that Alex Karras
punched in Blazing Saddles?

MEL: Dead.

ME: Oh, sorry to hear that. Was it sudden? An accident? Was there foul play involved? Suicide?

MEL: What are you, a moron?

ME: My religion should have nothing to do with this, and its pronounced mor-mon.

MEL: Thanks for the tip. Listen, why don't you just turn around, start walking, and I'll tell you when you can stop, OK?

ME: I would, but I can't write your answers down in my notebook and walk at the same time.

MEL: What notebook?

ME: Oh, I knew I forgot something. Do you have a pen and some paper?

MEL: Yes, its at my summer home in Bolivia. Why don't you go hop a plane and I'll meet you there?

ME: No can do Mel, I have a fear of flying, and a fear of Bolivians. I'll just try to remember what you said, and I'll write it down later.

MEL: You wouldn't be the first. Security!

ME: I think that intercom thing on your desk is broken. Want me to take a look at it? In school I fixed lots of things, VCR's, cell phones, football games.

MEL: Listen, I'd love to continue this, but I've got an appointment with, anybody at 2:30, so thanks for coming in, and good luck.

ME: Just one more question before I go Mel. If you could interview any one person, dead or alive, who would it be, and why?

MEL: That's a good one. Let's see. It would actually be two people. I would interview your parents just before they were thinking of sleeping together for the first time, and I'd give them lots of cash to never see each other again. No sex, no baby, no you.

ME: I think I hear security in the hallway, so I'll make this last question quick. Who ate more, John Candy or the cast of Young Frankenstein?

MEL: Actually, Meryl Streep ate more. What a glutton.

ME: Great, if you don't mind, I think I'll exit out the window now. Thanks for the interview.

MEL: Security, never mind. He jumped.

ME: (yelling) I'm OK Mel, thank God you're on the first floor. But these rose bushes are a bitch. Thanks again.

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