by Silva Payne

Created on: January 24, 2009   Last Updated: May 08, 2011

A member of your family is in prison and you really don't want to talk about it. Or do you?

In the years I have been involved with the TX prison system, I have met a lot of people who have incarcerated loved ones. They generally fall into 2 categories: those who would rather not discuss it and those who feel comfortable discussing it. It doesn't matter what the person has been incarcerated for, how old they are, what race or gender they are, it still invokes an either/or response from family members. This article approaches the issue from both sides, because even if you don't want to talk about it directly (for whatever reason), it is still happening.

Many people in the US will know someone who has an incarcerated loved one, even if they don't broadcast the fact. Although it is very easy to stereotype a "typical" offender, offender families come in all shapes and sizes and from all walks of life. No one with a family is immune from becoming a family member of an inmate. So please, don't feel as if you are on your own. America incarcerates 1 in 100 of it's population; that is roughly 2 million individuals. There are many people experiencing the same emotions as you are because of their family member's actions.

The first thing a family needs to remember is, you do not have to feel guilt or shame on your loved one's behalf. You can feel remorse, sorrow, anger or even in some circumstances, pride (we will return to this in a moment), but the shame or guilt are not yours to bear. Even if you feel you could have done more for that person, ultimately, they made the choices that put them where they now are. You cannot change a person unless they themselves wish to change, and for many people, change only comes after they reach their personal rock bottom. For some this is lower than for others.

However, it is possible to feel pride in an inmate too. It is sometimes the case that people end up in prison because they finally did the right thing after a catalogue of wrong things. Often, the charge and the sentence do not give adequate explanation to the circumstances surrounding the crime. Also, as we must acknowledge, sometimes innocent people do end up in prison, often serving long sentences partly because of their refusal to admit guilt to something they did not do. So it is not wrong to feel proud of someone even if they are in prison.

Equally, you can be proud of their achievements while they are in prison: gaining an education, keeping out of further trouble, being

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