by Brian Peters

Created on: January 24, 2009

Marital infidelity is one of the most painful events an individual can experience. The sense of personal betrayal and lack of worthiness felt by the victim of infidelity is a difficult thing from which to recover. Often, it ends in divorce.

But is that the right choice? Can a marriage be saved after infidelity? Should it be saved? Our society, at least implicitly if not explicitly, communicates that an unfaithful spouse should be unceremoniously "dumped."

If you're the victim of infidelity, however, you need to consider this. One recent survey of individuals who divorced because of infidelity discovered that 80% regretted the decision. Another study found that couples who stayed together after infidelity were 65% more satisfied with their life 5 years later than were individuals who divorced as a result of infidelity.

So saving your marriage after infidelity begins with this basic step: deciding in your mind that saving the marriage is better than divorcing. You must decide to follow your mind, and not your heart, because your heart is going to be telling you to run. You must learn to lead your heart, through right thinking and action, rather than follow your heart.

The reality of the human condition is that the only thing we can control is our thoughts. If we think the right thoughts, we take right actions which lead to positive emotions. Wrong thinking will lead us to take wrong actions resulting in negative emotions. Emotions are not something to be followed, but rather are a reward/caution system for our thinking. If you are experiencing negative emotions, that is a warning that you are thinking incorrectly and thus acting incorrectly in some area of your life. If you are thinking correctly and thus acting correctly, you will be rewarded with positive emotions.

What does all of this have to do with saving your marriage after infidelity? Everything. Because in the first few days and weeks after discovering the infidelity your heart is going to be telling you to run. You're going to have to decide, in your mind, to think about things like the statistics above that strongly suggest divorce is not the answer. And, if possible, connect with a couple that has survived infidelity (and there are more than you might think in every neighborhood). Think about their example - use that to give you hope that your marriage can be saved.

With these right thoughts in place, you can then begin to work on your marriage. It won't be easy, but it has been done by many couples. And

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