by P.H. Sampson

Created on: January 24, 2009

Have you ever seen Clint Eastwood fire up a cigar after a gunfight? Maybe you have watched John Wayne chomp a stogie while barking out orders to combat troops? Well I have, and I do not remember ever seeing those men using some dainty cigar cutter.

Honestly, do we need a specialized gadget for everything? I know these sorts of things keep the good people at SkyMall in business, but frankly I think we can do without a few of them. In fact, I think a cigar cutter should only be used by a Mafia Don in order to remove the fingers of his disobedient underlings.

A cigar is the manliest of all tobacco products (this may be a slight exaggeration since I've never exactly seen a woman sporting a cheek-full of Red Man) and should be enjoyed in a masculine fashion. When you break out your cigar cutter it looks like you are giving your stogie of choice a manicure. Manly? I think not.

If you really must use something to cut your cigar, use a man's tool. Try a chainsaw (I suggest wearing protective goggles) or maybe a samurai sword. Of course, you can always just pull your Crocodile Dundee knife out of your back pocket and trim off the tip (and if you don't carry such a knife around with you at all times then you should be ashamed of yourself). Getting back to the point about manicures, these tools are also great for keeping your nails neat and trim.

At the end of the day though, you don't need any sort of tool to cut a cigar. God has given you your own cigar cutter. All you have to do is put the cigar between your teeth, bite off the tip, and spit it out (preferably on the ground and in a public venue for maximum effect). If it was good enough for the Duke, and I know for a fact that none of you reading this are as cool as the Duke, then it should be good enough for you and me. I should mention that if you do not in fact have teeth, then this method is rather impractical. At the same time, if you do not have teeth you probably have bigger problems than cutting your cigars.

Man survived and thrived for thousands of years before the invention of the cigar cutter. The human race will still be around when cigar cutters are rendered obsolete by the invention of laser beams we can shoot out of our eyeballs (this will probably put a lot of household-gadget makers out of business). But the thing that unites us all (past, present, and robot-eyed man of the future) is our desire to enjoy a smooth, rich, and flavorful cigar. Luckily, we are only a bite away from smoking one.

PS, lighters are also very un-manly. A cigar should only be lit by striking a match on the bottom of your boots.

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