Everyone seems to have an opinion on the importance of self-esteem. And yet the general understanding of the meaning of self-esteem in the public arena is slippery at best.
The National Association of Self Esteem, (Yes! There is such an organization!), defines it as "The experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness." If you are a person with a healthy level of self esteem you will deal with the problems you encounter in a productive fashion, believing that you are a good and decent person who is entitled to good things.
SELF ESTEEM VS. EGOCENTRICITY
People often confuse egocentricity with self-esteem and assume the terms are one and the same. A person who is self-centered and "all about themselves" is really lacking in self-esteem. They are not comfortable in their own skin and use superficial means to try and make themselves happy. For example, a woman with low self-esteem but who is egocentric may talk frequently and at length about her accomplishments, often elevating them to a higher degree of importance than do her peers. She is trying to impress her listener because she does not feel worthy within herself. If, on the other hand, she has genuine self-esteem she will not feel the need to talk about her accomplishments. They are hers to cherish and her sense of accomplishment is complete in itself. She does not need other's approval, she has her own. She believes in herself and feels entitled to happiness.
COMPETENCE & SELF ESTEEM
Self esteem as defined by the NASE is essential to a happy, fulfilled life. Fundamental to this concept is the connection between competence and self worth. Each time we take on a challenge and meet it, we add to our sense of worth or self-esteem. We gain confidence and are ready to take on the next challenge. Over time this adds up to a stronger self-image and we begin to believe we are worthy of happiness in life. That's a very good place to be.
When we have low self-esteem we do not have confidence in our ability to meet the challenges we face or the desire to undertake something that might appear difficult. Instead, we are fearful and not willing to take the risks and steps necessary even if we very much want to.
For example, we may dream of owning our own business and may even have a idea for one, but when we lack self-esteem our uncertainties turn into worries and doubts and we conclude that the risk is too big to take. We'll tell ourselves things like "the bank will never give me funding", "I'd have to work too many hours and not have time for my family", "I probably wouldn't be any good at it anyway" and our dream begins to fizzle. When we walk away from our dreams because we lack self-esteem, we may find ourselves stuck and feeling unfulfilled.
If instead, we use positive affirmations such as "I can do this" and despite our fears take small steps toward our dreams, we will build our self-esteem and move our lives toward a place of happiness and fulfillment. Just as allowing low self esteem to derail your hopes and dreams, so too one can gain self esteem through meeting challenges.
BUILDING SELF ESTEEM IN CHILDREN
Child psychologists tell us that praising a child is not the best way to develop self-esteem in children. It is more important that a child feel a sense of accomplishment and competence in the world. If our child is proud of something they've done it's good to celebrate the accomplishment with them. This reinforces their belief in themselves. Acknowledging and celebrating a child's success does not give them a swelled head. It gives them self-esteem and the confidence to take on even bigger challenges.
Children cannot be fooled. They know whether or not they are worthy of a compliment bestowed on them. If you tell them they are a great speller when they are not you're wasting your breath. If you honestly acknowledge their weaknesses but also acknowledge how hard they work at spelling (presuming they do) then they will have something to add to their self esteem reservoir. For every difficult task a child undertakes, a parent can help them build confidence by also giving them a task at which they can excel. This will build their confidence and make them more resilient when facing a difficult task.
Children and adults who take on challenges and experience success will build self-esteem. Begin with a small challenge that you feel certain you can conquer and do well. Then take on something a bit larger.
Each time you achieve and complete a challenge you will be more confident in your abilities and will feel better about yourself. Whether it be learning to crochet or learning to speak a foreign language, each completed task will notonly give more depth to your life but will built your self-esteem.