When you first start trying to conceive, you're conscious of embarking on a big adventure. Granted, there's nothing that can truly prepare you for what parenthood means in real terms, but looking your partner in the eyes as you make love, knowing each time may be the time you conceive your longed-for child... there's nothing quite like it. Except perhaps getting that positive test to say you're pregnant.
The dream is suddenly reality and due dates are calculated, plans made, nursery colours chosen, grandparents informed of the new arrival. Until the pregnancy comes to an abrupt halt and that precious little life is gone.
I've never met a woman who expected to miscarry any of her pregnancies, nor one who knew, prior to her first miscarriage, that some 1 in 4 pregnancies ends that way. And while all women recover physically and emotionally at different speeds, rare is the woman who can completely put that first miscarriage behind her before she tries again.
For those who miscarry their first pregnancy, the story can be different to those who miscarry while trying for a sibling. Not yet having had that much-wanted baby can breed a fear that you will never carry a baby to term, and that fear can turn into desperation as the months pass, either with no further pregnancies, or with successive miscarriages. Even those with children may become obsessed with conceiving a sibling, especially if they had no trouble with the first.
At times like these, relationships easily become strained. While husbands and boyfriends may feel helpless in the face of the grief and determination, they may also want to protect their wife or girlfriend from further grief and not be ready to start trying again as soon as her. If getting pregnant and then miscarrying is a cause of such distress, it's not illogical for them to want to abandon altogether, just to see her smile again, even though she may see the only way to happiness as being through a successful pregnancy.
Also, while the months of trying for a baby prior to that first miscarriage may be full of wonder and tenderness, it's very easy to slip into a production line mindset. Ovulation predictor kits, temperature charts, precise intercourse timings and obsessive knicker-watching and symptom-spotting in the latter half of the cycle are enough to put serious strain on any relationship, with men feeling 'used' as their womenfolk plan an almost military campaign.
And this is all before you fall pregnant. While seeing the little line come up on the test should fill you with fear, the first thought is often - will this one stick? Knicker watch begins in earnest, checking for any sign of a bleed that might herald a new miscarriage. Morning sickness, while generally considered a blight, may be welcomed with open arms and its absence become a cause for alarm. Obsessive peeing on sticks to watch the lines go darker is nothing unusual.
This time, you're not making plans. You're not buying clothes or nursery equipment. You're not telling anyone you're pregnant. At 6 weeks, when it might be possible to see a heartbeat, you're desperate for an ultrasound scan, since the chances of losing a baby once the heartbeat is detected are far lower. At 9 weeks, if you can afford it - or in the UK talk your doctor into prescribing it - you'll want another scan just to be sure, since the chances are even lower that you'll miscarry if the baby is still alive and well at this stage. And at 12 weeks, with the nuchal fold scan you can breathe a sigh of relief, because there is really very little chance of you losing the baby after that. Some, but not much. In addition, every time you go past the end date of your previous pregnancies, you give silent thanks that this baby may be different.
If all your previous losses have been before the 12 week mark, the nuchal scan is probably the time you've chosen to tell everyone that you're pregnant, and that it should all be good. That said, many women who suffer recurrent miscarriage become almost too knowledgeable about pregnancy complications and often have friends through internet forums who have lost babies due to an incompetent cervix or a late infection. For them, the 12 week scan is just a way-point, with the hurdle of the anomaly scan around 20 weeks still to come, as well as, if they're being done, any tests for Down's Syndrome or other genetic abnormalities.
Strange as it may seem, even with a little one growing and kicking inside me, and the beginnings of a decent bump, I still couldn't relax, even after my anomaly scan. I had it just before Christmas with my in-laws, who had made a big deal of getting the family moses basket out and getting new sheets for it before setting it up as a surprise in the living room before I got there. I was actually horrified and terrified - utterly illogically - that this would somehow tempt fate and cause me to lose my precious child.
The magic day, for me, when I stopped thinking about past miscarriages and finally started to believe I would be holding a baby, was when I reached 24 weeks pregnant, or V-day (viability day) as it's often known on internet forums. This is the magic earliest point when a baby could be born prematurely and still survive with medical assistance. It was after this point that my husband and I started shopping, tentatively, for the things our baby would need. It was only after this point that I could even think about names.
And it was only after this point that I was able to let myself fall in love with my son.