by Charline Mccray

Created on: January 22, 2009

Its good. Despite what you've been told or believe about change (if otherwise), its good. The other night I was listening to a minister, Mike Murdock, and he said that we do not decide who we are, we discover who we are. I thought about it. When I was younger I made the decision to be bitter because of the circumstances life dealt me. Now, after a series of experiences and prayers I realize I'm not the person I bitterly set out to be. Don't get me wrong I wasn't some demented possessed person. It was a process. I was a quiet person. But being quiet on top of other developed insecurities I decided to embrace and allow those insecurities to blanket me. Ironically enough not lending any warmth, that blanket was designed intricately enough only leaving me very cold. Isolation. I wanted to be the nonchalant, melancholy person out of the crowd. Tried to make it a cool attribute. I wanted to be above "seeking attention." I wanted to be the incredably calm and quiet person. Wanted to keep everyone guessing. I liked being unpredictable. Needless to say this became a bad habit. One I found hard to shake. I tried it on and it grew, massively. Turned into a fitted depression. I was quiet. Always a quiet child. Isolating myself and even being taught to isolate myself and never trust anyone, lead me to almost being mute. I lost what little ability I had to communicate simple things, like a "Hi" or "goodbye." Was pretty okay with "thank yous," but definitely shy on asking for help, which didn't help in school either. I realize after scanning some experiences in my childhood that it became more forced. Fear, to make a long story short.

I observed other people, to keep myself out of trouble. I learned from their mistakes and knew not to go that route because I would fall. I saw who climbed and knew that at least if I went that way, I wouldn't fall. I played it safe, which was not a bad thing. But it became my excuse from taking my own path, being adventurous and putting my abilities to the test to find out what I liked and did not like. I formed opinions about things I knew nothing about. Played it safe with other peoples opinions.

After learning that I discover, instead of decide who I am, I realize when I'm with certain family members for example, I laugh a little more than I decided to. I'm sillier and goofier than I decided to be. I dream more than I decided to dream and share those dreams more than I decided to share. We're fooled if we believe change will not happen. Its good.

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