by Kellie Webster

Created on: January 22, 2009

Perhaps the most important thing a child needs to know about the divorce of their parents is that they will always be a product of love, not bitterness which may be the predominant emotion felt at the time of divorce. The children need to be reassured that no matter what happens between their parents, they will always be the most important thing in their parents' lives. Children need to know that their parents were happy and in love when they were created.

They need reassurance that regardless of divorce they are wanted, needed and loved. A wise friend once told me to make sure my children knew that I chose them to be mine, and given the choice one hundred more times, "Yes" I would absolutely pick them again no matter what. Divorce is a traumatic and emotional time for all affected, in saying that it is very important to be generous and open by displaying your true love for your kids.

My daughter asked if it was her fault that her father moved out, due to her coming into our bed at night. She asked if she had let us sleep undisturbed would he have stayed. I spent many nights reassuring her that it had nothing to do with herself or her brother. My daughter needed to know that the issues we faced in our marriage were no reflection on their behaviour or characteristics.

Reassuring your children they are loved, and I don't mean just once or twice, but continually, by both parents is a very important practise to adopt. If you have always done this for your children, then do it more.
If you didn't do it prior to the divorce now would be a good time to start.

Whilst I do believe the children need to be given a basic explanation why it happened, they don't necessarily need to know the full details. What information they are given will depend on their age. Parents, who take the time to explain things, if possible together, will hopefully remove the child's self-blame reaction. My marriage broke down because my ex-husband was unfaithful, but my children did not need to know this. Instead we explained to them (together) that Daddy's love for Mummy had changed and for that reason Daddy was moving out. In saying that we both told them (our daughter and son) that this sometimes happens, but our love for them would never alter.

The ages and personalities of the children will determine the way they react to the divorce. Some children will cry and act out, others will be silent and may become withdrawn. For that reason it is important that you don't try to hide your true emotions.
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