by Angela S. Young

Created on: January 20, 2009   Last Updated: October 05, 2010

The definition of insanity is said to be doing the same thing and expecting different results. Even though we know "preaching mode" will lead to a total shut down in real communication with our child, we keep falling into the trap. We have good intentions, but our methods just don't work.  So how do we get out of the hamster wheel and stop preaching to our children? It takes a lot of work, but you too can learn to discipline your child instead of haranguing them to death from your soap box, wasting your breath and causing frustration in them.

*Recognize that preaching does not work.   I refer you to the definition of insanity above. Consistent preaching at your child instead of talking to your child only damages your relationship and seldom leads to changed behavior for either of you.

*Examine yourself.   When a parent steps up to the soap box, they often feel out of control and frustrated. They resort to preaching to try to win and take back control. When we understand why we do something, we can then begin to change it by reframing it in our minds.  We also may feel we must use every available moment to 'teach' our children.  This often leads to anger and frustration in the child.  At times parents need to let the lecture go and just deliver, or allow to happen naturally, the consequences, letting them teach.

*Take a break.   When the sermon begins, you can bet emotion is on high. Both you and your child have moved into defense mode and communication has exited out the back door. Make a pact with your child that when either of you gets to a point where the discussion escalates too far either of you can take a break and come back to the discussion when both have calmed down. Make sure you get back to the discussion, but recognize that several shorter talks trump a long sermon every time.

*Allow your child to feel he or she has some control in the situation.   When parents start preaching, the child feels powerless and will more likely dig in his or her heels and start the disrespectful behavior of eye rolling, sighing or worse. By using discipline and communication rather than punishment and preaching, you allow your child to have some feeling of autonomy instead of helplessness.

*Learn the difference.   By taking the time to learn how to discipline instead of punishing and communicate instead of preaching, you can make a world of difference in your relationship and the behavior of your

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>