by Dolores Moore

Created on: January 20, 2009

Former in-laws are part of your life. At some point, you have made connections, been related, liked, or even loved those people who fate and circumstances have distanced you from. The best way to deal with former in-laws is to hold onto the good things, all those positives that life's changes should never be allowed to negate.

That may sound idealistic or maybe impossible, especially if an acrimonious split has occurred. But just because you and and your partner can no longer live together, should you throw away the loving friendships of others? "Deal with" suggests a difficult task, something to be gotten through and to triumph over. I prefer to think of ways of maintaining good relationships, especially where there are children to be considered.

Those children are a cement, or a tenuous thread, connecting you to those former in-laws. But this is a strong link, and coupled with your previous mutual respect and love, will be a driving force in working together with your former in-laws. I know of somebody who described such a situation as "fractured families." Yet I know of another person who sought always to heal such "fractures" because of a child.

As a result of that person's efforts and goodwill, the former mother-in-law and sister-in-law, the child's father, all come to Christmas dinner with the whole family. The ex-parents-in-law still love and care about that father, the ex-partner. All this sounds rather confusing, but in reality it means that everybody sees themselves as part of an extended family, belonging to that child. That way, the child has brought them together, made them all remember the loving kindness and connections they can still hold on to, and the relationships are maintained happily. There is no blame, no wringing of hands, no judging. Just acceptance of how things now are and how everybody should work to make it good.

I am lucky to have such experiences to relate. But I understand that family ties and loyalty, the cry of "Blood is thicker than water," may mean that a different and possibly cooler approach is needed for survival. When the former in-laws seek to apportion blame, to defend their loved one, to take sides, then all must be handled differently.

Keeping a cool, assertive head is important. Try not to feel guilty or blameworthy, always hold onto your self belief, your right to make life choices. At the same time, try to understand how hurt and angry those former in-laws might be feeling, not just with you, but with the son or daughter who broke up the relationships. Again try to keep in mind the good things, the way you got along in the past, and let that help in making some sort of amiable connection work.

Remember, those former in-laws are just people like you, who could be suffering hurt and disappointment. Do not throw away any links you once enjoyed, especially if there are children involved. Keep the love alive. That is the only way of dealing with former in-laws. If the worst happens and you can see no way to do this, walk away with dignity.

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