by J.L. McKenzie

Created on: January 20, 2009

Let's consider the complexities of the slow zombie. He has many things going for him and you shouldn't discount him just because he lumbers around, unlike the fast zombie who seems to be running the 500 meter dash.

Slow zombies will lull you into a false sense of security. Oh sure, I can run past them, you may think. What happens when you run out of places to run, get tired or twist your ankle like they always do in the movies? The slow zombies are thinkers. There may only be one or two surrounding your house or car and you think you can make a break for it but while you are contemplating your game plan a dozen more show up.

You may think that they aren't moving too fast so I can take them out with a gun shot to the head or a machete. If I was stranded in "Night of the Living Dead" with Rambo I'd be inclined to agree with that but the majority of us aren't that good at making the kill shot to the head or to have the hand-to-hand fighting skills to separate the head from to body with a blunt or sharp object. These are things you need to consider when grappling with the undead. To kill the slow zombie you can still use these traditional methods but you are most likely better off grabbing a baseball bat and trying to take out as many as you can before you become lunch.

Granted, fast zombie have an advantage. They can run up on you really fast and take you out. The slow zombie, however, will sneak up on you without howling and make you a tasty snack. Also, the slow zombie travels in packs. You may be able to take one down but what about his hundred friends lumbering towards you?

Most people in a zombie outbreak situation would be a bit slow to react themselves to the situation and the slow zombie will take full advantage of that. Let's take someone you wouldn't normally think of as a zombie: Jason Voohees. I think he's one, not in the traditional sense mind you, but let's look at the facts. He keeps coming back from the dead and he's unstoppable. He's also as slow as my grandmother going to get the mail down at the curb. Now, how many people has this man killed just by slowly stalking his prey? Hundreds.

The turtle always wins the race and the slow zombie always wins. Sure, your other zombies, such as the ones in the remake of "Dawn of the Dead" were quick on their feet but how many of the living got away on the boat (and frankly I don't count the two in the bus that were killed by the chainsaw mishap)? The slow zombie will always prevail because he's got stealth, cunning and the element of surprise behind it.

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