Do you try to make a point with your child and end up preaching to them and adding more frustration to an already unpleasant issue? Parents need to realize that the best way to understand how their children think is to get on to their level of thinking. Children can only relate to the here and now and they can't comprehend the way things were when their parents were their age, so parents need to talk to them as it is in today's world and not in a time they can't understand. So, how do you avoid preaching to your children?
Learn to listen.
Listening to your children is probably the greatest tool in building a relationship with them. Don't cut them off. Don't interrupt them. Don't assume you know any part of it. Listen to everything they have to say. Sometimes what they are trying to say isn't what the words are saying. You need to listen and hear what they are really saying.
While your experiences can enlighten somewhat, the situations of today cannot be handled the same way they were years ago, so you must hear what is being said so that you can react and offer the best advice.
Don't assume anything
You may have experienced a similar situation but all the facts are not the same and you cannot assume that they should handle theirs the same way you handled yours. Times have changed and outlooks and attitudes are different. Your solution to their situation may be the same regardless, but don't just assume that it can be handled the same way without considering alternative actions.
Build a trusting relationship
Give your children some credit for being who they are in this great big world. They can probably deal with things that you couldn't deal with until you were an adult. Allow them to be intelligent and trust them to make their own choices. They may be wrong choices but when you're there afterwards for them, supporting them and loving them anyway, your children will know that they have a special bond with you and they'll trust your advice more as life presents even greater challenges.
Don't judge them
Teach them the value of life from the time they're born and be an example of what you're teaching them. Don't condemn them for wrong doing because that creates a fear of rejection in them. Instead, chastise them when they're bad and tell them why they're bad, and then encourage them to not do it again.
Let them know you love them
You can never express a non-love for your children regardless of what they do. If they've done something that displeases you or is blatantly wrong, you need to always let them know that it's their actions that anger you but that your love for them will never change. Never say you dislike them or hate them for what they've done. When these words are spoken even in anger, your children will hang on to the concept that you no longer love them or that you don't love them when they're bad. This can cause all kinds of negative feelings and reactions because that thought confuses them and can cause them to react bad again just to get your attention. The truth is, you love them even when they're bad, so make that clear to them and say it's what they did and not who they are.
Practice what you preach
None of us were born saints, and we've all done things in our lifetime that we regret, that we know were wrong or that we're ashamed of. We must be careful how we speak to our children because as they get older, they'll surely know that we are only human and if we profess to be perfect, they'll begin to see us an unattainable icon instead of someone who they can trust. They'll ignore what we say to them, refuse our advice and learn to disassociate themselves from us. We want to maintain a bond with our children so we need to admit to our own mistakes and not act like we never made any.
Keep the child in you
Get on their wavelength and talk to them with an understanding of what's going on. The best leader is one who goes through the trials with the team and gives advice, support and encouragement in their efforts to bring them to victory. So, be there for your children and learn what's going on in their lives. You don't have to like it, but you should understand it.
Support your children
Be there as someone who cares and understands them, and is willing to be in the background ready to catch them when they fall. You should make clear your preferences in things like smoking or drinking. Take a stand and don't waiver, but should your child commit to these actions outside of your home, you have little control. However, don't disown them or ignore them because of it. Let your opinion be known when the subject comes up, and support your child when they say they tried it.
Praise your children
Sometimes we spend so much time telling them what not to do that we forget to praise them for the good things that they do. Even if it's been one of those days where your child seemed to make it his quest to do as much wrong as possible, search and find the one thing he did good and praise him for it. Often, a few words of praise can overpower all the negative actions and give your child that bit of hope that he or she is not all bad, that there is some good to them. And more than that, that you still believe in them.
One of the hardest things in being a parent is watching your children make bad choices, but that's part of growing up. Your influence on them will be more effective if you don't preach at them for their actions, but rather let them know that what they are doing is wrong and why it's wrong. Let them know that you'll always love them regardless. Often, children will come to realize through your trusting relationship with them that they made a wrong choice, and are more likely to change, if even just for you.