by Betty Tesh

Created on: January 19, 2009   Last Updated: October 16, 2010

Speaking from experience, when you are grieving even the least expensive store-bought card with a simple signature can bring comfort, so for anyone who feels challenged by the thought of trying to put your feelings into words, don't worry-just signing your name says, "I'm thinking about you." There are times, however, when you feel compelled to do more, to express more. Those times call for a short, handwritten note of condolence. But what to say? How does one show caring and compassion to a friend or acquaintance who is suffering loss?

First, abstain from any attempt to offer reasons why the death is acceptable. It doesn't help to assure the bereaved person that "God knows best," "At least she's not suffering," "There's a greater purpose...," or "Heaven needed another angel." Such comments are not only theologically suspect but they make the person who hears them feel all the more guilty for being sad.

Next, don't go into great detail about how empty and lonely the person left behind must feel. They know quite well, thank you. In the same vein, refrain from trying to show your understanding of their pain by recounting your own. I'm sorry, but when I have just lost a loved one, I find it hard to listen to what a great hole was left in your heart after the death of your dear Uncle George-it just makes my heart hurt more.

Do recall some experience you had with the deceased. Share your story with the bereaved. They want to know that their loved one had an impact on someone else. Any little shared anecdote assures the grieving person that yes, my loved one touched lives. And don't be afraid of sharing a humorous story. Remembering the time a husband got so excited about landing the big one that he fell overboard, will bring a flood of pleasant memories back to the widow. (Unless the husband drown, of course; you've got to use some smarts after all!

Close with a statement about what you're going to miss about the deceased or what will be different from this point on. "Whenever I drink a cup of coffee, I'll always remember how much Kay loved her espresso."

For someone who has a strong religious belief, it is always permissible to refer to the strength to be found in that faith. For example, if you are a Christian and are writing to a person who you know has a strong Christian faith, you might say something like, "I grieve with you in your loss, and rejoice with you that through Christ death has been overcome."

In the end, it doesn't matter so much what you say as that you cared enough to take the time to write a personal note. It's wonderful if you are creative enough to write a poem or pen a memorable elegy, but you don't have to be a poet or a writer to say "He was memorable, and You are in my thoughts."

Learn more about this author, Betty Tesh.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.