by Ryan Goldblatt

Created on: January 19, 2009

There is a crisis of epic proportions looming, and no, I'm not talking about sweating the small stuff like global warming, mass extinctions or nuclear warfare, no, indeed, I am talking about something far, far more important. Something which strikes deep into our very soul, something which calls into question our very humanity, our desire to believe that there is more to life than Britney Spears. I'm talking about music, and not just any music mind, but the awesome sound and fury of the Sixties and Seventies. The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, to name but a few. But the point is, they, the architects of Heaven on Earth are nearing their expiry date. Freddie Mercury is long gone, Joe Strummer, alas, shuffled off his mortal coil but a while ago. The rest of the wrinkly rockers are sure to follow soon, and what then? An eternity of Avril Lavigne and Will Young beckons; a veritable Hell on earth, if ever there was such a thing. If we are to successfully ward off a return to the dark ages, then we need to act quickly, decisively and with no mercy. All the remaining aged rock stars need to be rounded up and cryogenically frozen immediately, that way we can keep them almost indefinitely to bring them out as and when they are needed. Possibly for a concert every decade or so, then back to the freezer. This way we can insure they remain readily accessible for many generations to come and, this is important at the same time prevent the world from falling into utter darkness. But this particular strategy calls for a two pronged approach: turning the likes of Mick Jagger and Robert Plant into popsicles alone will not suffice, no; we need to go one step further. In our quest to ensure that musicians have, if not any real talent, at least a modicum of expertise we cannot be too careful. I would even go so far as to say, unlikely as it might sound, perhaps we could use the power of reality TV for good. Imagine if the winners of such shows as pop idols (and the judges,) are not given recording contracts; rather they face a firing squad. Can you imagine the crowds and the ratings? Any person with the slightest sense of musical taste would be prepared to pay almost anything to watch the likes of Gareth Gates and Simon Cowell shot live and exclusive on TV. The world will certainly be a brighter place for it. Destiny is in our hands for a change. We cannot allow the flame to flicker out; rather we must act now, for tomorrow will be too late.

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