by Brian Fleming

Created on: January 18, 2009

I never considered myself a religious person; that is, until I starting drinking. Now I worship the porcelain god every week. I devote more time to emptying my stomach into my overused toilet than I actually do drinking.

You see, I've been cursed with a weak stomach and brain. One shot of hard liquor, or even one glass of wine will shoot straight up to my brain, giving me an almost instant buzz. I'm not the individual who can down a whole bar and still pass a field sobriety test. Me, well, my brain becomes fuzzy with sometimes even the smell of beer. That's right, as much as I hate to admit it, I've gotten a hangover by the smell of our local bar.

Needless to say, my hangovers are comparable to food poisoning coupled with earthshattering headaches. Downing alcoholic beverages is like taking shots of mineral oil for me. Only about an hour after drinking the evil substance, my stomach goes into a complete fit, throwing a temper tantrum and forcing me to flee to the nearest restroom. Time to worship. I think my stomach attempts to jump out of my throat sometimes. Its like my stomach is allergic to alcohol, even though I know that's ridiculous.

On top of my revolting stomach, my head decides to pound and pound when I ingest any alcohol. It is as if alchohol gives my brain the excuse it needs to send throbbing waves of pain throughout my poor head. My hangover headaches feel as if someone is attempting to build a house on my head, pounding in one painful nail after another into my throbbing skull.

I've tried everything to avoid these dreadful hangovers. I've tried pills, I've tried pacing my drinking. I've attempted to drink water between every sip of wine (don't try this, it makes wine taste very strange, like watered down vinegar). I've even tried eating a whole loaf of bread before downing shots of vodka with my friends (I had gotten a tip-off that bread in your stomach soaks up the alcohol, minimizing the effects of this alcohol.

Sounds good in theory, but after I upchucked the wet slices of bread, it was clearly apparent that this technique did nothing, except give me more to throw up during my hangover. Maybe I'll avoid alcohol from now one. Start a lifetime vigil from alcohol, but that would be against my religion. Hold on, I have to go worship the porcelain god again. I knew I shouldn't have had that vodka shot in my coffee ten minutes ago.

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