by Lynne Colquhoun

Created on: January 17, 2009

It wasn't me, it was the dog!

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening.

She's not ready yet, so he sits in the living room with his parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to release some pressure.

Luckily the family dog, Ben jumps up onto the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think the dog did it.

He farts and his date's mother shouts 'Ben, get down from there'.

The guy thinks 'great, they think it was the dog who did it'. He releases another fart, and again his date's mother yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally his date's mother shouts, 'For goodness sake Ben, get down before he s*s on you'!

DIY Blonde!

A blonde who wanted to earn some money, decided to kit herself out to be a handywoman type and started canvassing a posh neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

'Well, you could paint my porch. How much will you charge?'

The blonde said, 'How about 40?' The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife inside the house heard the conversation and said to her husband 'Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?' The man replied, 'She should do. She was standing on the porch when she called round'.

A short time later, the blonde came over to the door to collect her money.

'Your finished already?' he asked, surprised. 'Yes', replied the blonde, 'and i had paint left over, so i gave it two coats'.

Impressed, the man reaches in his pocket for the 40. 'And by the way', the blonde added, 'thats not a porch, its a ferrari'.

Golf Disaster!

After a pretty poor game of golf, a popular club member decided to skip going to the club house and went to make his way home. As he was walking to the car park to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, 'Did you tee of on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?'

'Yes', replied the golfer.

'Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?'

'Yes i did. How did you know that, officer?' he asked.

'Well', said the policeman, very seriously. 'Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windscreen. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine couldn't make it to the fire and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?' asked the policeman.

The golfer thought carefully for a few moments and then responded......

'I think i'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb'.

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