by Anne Penny

Created on: January 17, 2009   Last Updated: January 22, 2009

There is no doubt - a boy NEEDS a father. A father-figure is better than no role model at all but even this, however good, is a poor substitute for the real thing.

Around a quarter of families in America are headed by only a mother and, make no mistake, many single mothers make a superhuman effort to fill the gap and often make an admirable job of bringing up their sons. Still, the lack is there and is keenly felt by the boy.

If the father has abandoned mother and son, there will often be a feeling of resentment and bitterness toward the absent parent. There may even be an element of self-blame as children sometimes feel that that it is their fault, their shortcomings, that drove the father to leave; young children cannot comprehend the complex emotions of relationship breakdown. If that father has embarked upon a new partnership, known to the boy, and he then creates a new family then great feelings of jealousy may arise, with even more bitterness: "He has a new son now and won't ever care about me!" Often a boy will have nurtured dreams of his father's return. Even if the father is dead, there will be an unreasonable sense of abandonment.

Who but a boy's father can talk to him about baseball or football, or wrestle with him? However good a job the boy's mother is doing, she is not able to reminisce about her time in the team, about that home runl she scored against all odds ... that's boy's talk and how boys need it! Nothing can substitute for your father standing by the pitch, yelling and looking prouid of you. You'll try harder for him because he's there with the other dads.

Fatherless boys have been known to try to "steal" other boy's fathers, to win their attention and to vie for their affection. Women have been known to seek another partner, not primarily for their own well-being, but simply to provide a new "father" for her fatherless son. This may be successful to a degree and the two may get on well, but if differences arise, then even more bitterness may be engendered: "He can't say/do that. HE isn't my father. MY father wouldn't..." Criticism, it seems, is acceptable only from a "real"father and not from a substitute - who will always be just that.

It is very hard for a mother who is struggling alone to create a positivesituation for her son; she is forever conscious of the undeniable fact that whatever she does, she cannot be a father. Only one person can effectively be that and an unprecedented number of boys, nowadays, are deprived of that essential figure. How can they become responsible, caring fathers themselves without having had a model to admire and emulate?

Learn more about this author, Anne Penny.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.