by Nikki Stoneroad

Created on: January 17, 2009   Last Updated: October 02, 2010

Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a tragedy to finally forgive the woman that gave life to you. I'm just glad I'm old enough to understand it.

My mom and I had two very separate personalities. She was passive in life and yet controlling of mine. She didn't lead her life, it led her. She feared fear itself. She had nothing to teach me. But she learned a lot from me.

My mom took up with any cause that would allow her to do as little as possible. Including claiming illness and joining a religious organization just to avoid social contact and the financial aspects of holidays and birthdays. She was the most selfish person I have ever known.

Memories of my childhood do not include her. She was too busy lying on the couch reading and painting her nails. Much too busy for anyone but herself.

When my youngest sister moved out she made the comment that she never liked children anyway. She left my dad and told me I gave her the strength to take that big step. Just for the record I never guided her towards leaving my dad.

Her grandchildren arrived, 4 in total. I don't know why I ever expected things would be different. They weren't. She always had an excuse for not having time to spend with them. And now time has run out.

As I got older I started to understand some of the reasons why she was unhappy with my dad. He was a great father, but maybe not the best husband. The healing had begun. I started to forgive. I realized that she did the best that she knew how. She did her best. It just wasn't "my best". When I realized that the pain began to ease.

Three years ago, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. The fear of approaching death prompted her to renew her relationship with her three girls. But it was always on her terms. When the time was right for her. She passed away this past December. On her death bed we both said "I love you" for the first and last time ever.

Forgiveness begins with understanding someone for who they choose to be. It is their life. They choose the consequences. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and take the initiative. I became more involved with trying to help her reach her goals. I listened to her. Ask the questions and expect the answers. Make the best of the days you have. They are too few and far between. I parent the best way I know how. It may not be the way my children will do it. But it is my way. It is my life. I will live with the consequences.

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