by Janet Harris

Created on: January 16, 2009   Last Updated: June 21, 2010

Death is part of life a sad fact but a true one and there are so many taboos regarding death that we all grow up terrified of it. Let's face it, it's a very dark and frightening business. People talk in hushed tones, they cry a lot, everyone wears black and it can seem very dark and mysterious to children. That is how it felt to me when I was a child. When there was a death in the family my parents tried to shield me from it. They didn't really talk about it when I was around but I heard the whispers and the crying behind closed doors. On the day of the funeral I would see my parents, dressed top to toe in black and I wondered what was happening. I had no idea what a funeral was like and it was frightening a totally unknown quantity. In fact, I didn't attend a funeral until I was 28 and by this time I had lost 3 Grandparents, an Uncle and an Aunt. Of course, no-one likes going to funerals but at least I now know that it is not as mysterious and terrifying as I first thought and is in fact, a way of saying goodbye and of supporting the deceased closest loved ones in their grief.

My Mother died suddenly when my own daughter was 7. She and my Mother were very close and in fact, in one story she wrote at school, my daughter stated that Granny and I are best friends'. So when my Mother died I automatically did what my own parents had done, I sent her off to school on the day of the funeral, thinking she would be better off there, her attention would be diverted by being with her friends and carrying on as normal. However, a few years later she told me that she always regretted not being included in the final link to her beloved Grandmother and that she would have liked a chance to say goodbye and be with her Grandfather to hold his hand and cheer him up'. I realised that I had misjudged her totally because she had in fact noticed what was going on, and she felt excluded and slightly in limbo' because Grandma had suddenly disappeared from her life and she still didn't totally understand the situation.

I vowed there and then, that I would not prevent my children from attending funerals in future if that was their wish. I would not force them, but would sit them down and explain what was happening and give them the chance to choose to attend or not.

My husband died suddenly 10 years ago and by this time my children were teenagers. However my niece and nephew were just 7 and 9 but they came along to the funeral and said their goodbyes and I notice that they have a much clearer and realistic idea of death than I ever did at their ages.

It is good for children to understand death when they are quite young so that they are not afraid and that they feel included when a loved one dies after all their feelings are just as strong and just as important. I don't think it fair to force them, but to explain to them what is happening and to give them the choice is, in my view, the right thing to do.

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