by Mb Rose

Created on: January 16, 2009

Are you an optimist? Believe that those longtime friends will always be there for you? Not afraid of ever being totally alone because of all those friends and family members who always attend the ggatherings you host at Christmas, New Years, Easter. 4th of July? Well hang on to your hats...nearly all of them will disappear within 12 months of you becoming a widow/widower.

When my husband suddenly and unexpectedly died while on a hunting trip from a freak accident of nature everyone gathered around me within a few hours. My house was over flowing for those first 3 weeks. But as I began to realize the extent of my loss I noticed all those friends who had been involved with 'us' for years begin to dwindle away, not call, and make excuses for why they could not stop by. All those promises of emotional support began to disappear as if a figment of my imagination. Fewer and fewer calls. Fewer and fewer came to the holiday parties that I strived to keep going for my children. Vague excuses, and then no excuses because they just did not respond to the invitations or phone calls.

Slowly, I began to realize that my journey through widowhood would be solo...no one to talk to, no one to listen to my ramblings, no one to understand the roller-coaster ride of emotions that I was experiencing. I was no longer part of 'we'...I was simply 'me'. While it was my husband who died, our future plans also died with him. My world cracked wide open and there was no one to help me repair those cracks. Where had all 'our' long-time friends gone. Were none of them actually my friends...had they only been 'his' friends and I simply a tag-along?

I now understand that our society does not know how to handle the pain of grief. We run and hide from it whenever possible. You are expected to return to work with in 2-weeks and never mention the loved one again...let alone have tears come to your eyes should any forget and ask the unthinkable question..."How are you doing?" Unlike 100 years ago when the spouse was expected to wear black for a year so others knew they had lost a spouse; 6 months for the loss of a child or other close relative. No expected the widow to act or function normally in society for those first 12 months. Neighbors and friends offered a helping hand without being asked that first year.

Well I am here to tell everyone that unless the universe lets you and your spouse/loved one die together, that half of those reading this piece will experience the same grief and loss that I have. None of us can escape this life except through death...and those left behind will hurt and grieve for more than 2-weeks, more than 6 months. Psychiatrist will label it pathological grief at 6 months. That is a bunch of hogwash...phooey...whatever you call BS. Grief is not linear; it is cyclical, returning at special anniversaries and odd moments for the rest of your life. When it happens to you, hopefully, you will not be abandoned by those you thought were friends. Hopefully, you will find others who understand your pain and the chaos that your life has become..at least until you can begin to rebuild a totally new life for yourself once again.

Learn more about this author, Mb Rose.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.