by Christine G.

Created on: January 16, 2009   Last Updated: July 27, 2009

STAYING OFF THE SOAPBOX

We parents want the best for our children. We think that we know what that is. We believe that if we can just explain our reasoning clearly and completely, our kids will take it to heart, and future problems can be avoided.

Stop and think about this. The last time you were in church, did your mind wander during the sermon? The last time your parents, friends, mother-in-law or boss held forth about their vision of a perfect you, were you secretly thinking about what to make for dinner, evaluating the shade of lipstick your adviser was wearing, or fantasizing about snappy come-backs?

Face it, folks. Extended moralistic monologues are not an effective teaching method. If it doesn't work for you, it certainly won't work for an active 11-year-old with a three-minute attention span and a long list of activities to pursue. If you continue with the blah-blah-blah, the only thing you might possibly teach your child is how to tune you out while pretending to pay attention.

Verbiage doesn't teach. Consequences do. Structure your children's lives with reasonable, age-appropriate limits and consequences to keep them on track.

Don't expect your children to agree with you. No matter how much you expound your superior wisdom and experience, they will be unable to appreciate any of it until they have children of their own.

If you want to preach, write an article for Helium. Who knows, you might even earn a few cents. At the same time, devise other, more effective ways of communicating with your children. Try them out, one at a time, and see what happens.

If you have a soapbox addiction, use an egg timer. Tell the kids that you really want to say something, and offer them equal time to say whatever they want, as long as it is within the bounds of civility. Keep it short, keep it simple, keep it direct, and you might get a conversation going.

When your children are talking, listen with the same courtesy you expect from them. If you give them space to explore instead of interrupting, they may surprise you with their conclusions. They may even ask for your input. Whatever you say, limit it to a sentence or two. If they want more, they will ask for it.

Watch TV with your children, and ask a question or offer a one-line comment during the commercial. If they disagree or fail to respond, don't belabor the point.

Try writing your children e-mails or text messages. Nothing long or involved. Invite them to interact with you.

Read some of the books that your children are reading. Make a non-judgemental, open-ended comment, and see where it goes.

Listen, listen, listen, even if you don't like what you are hearing. Avoid communicating "Don't think that way, don't feel that way, don't be that way." Hear your children out and support their process. Make your own limits clear, and enforce them, but don't attempt mind control. They are individuals with their own ideas, their own values, their own ways of thinking.

If you are patient and respectful, you may discover that they agree with you more than you realize.

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