by Dan Monaghan

Created on: January 14, 2009

Ah, January. The time of the year when a young man's thoughts turn to...fat! I'm no longer young, but I am certainly preoccupied with the accumulated girth from the past year. It's simply got to go. But how? The same people writing articles on how dangerous it is to be overweight expend just as much effort telling us how diets don't work and when our bodies find a weight they like they do everything in their power to keep us there. So what's a well intentioned, portly middle ager to do? Below are my ideas on getting svelte and staying that way.

1- JOIN A HEALTH CLUB- There is no better way to at least feel slimmer than to squeeze yourself into spandex and parade around in front of other corpulent humans who look even worse than you do. At this time of the year, health clubs are filled with overweight people who try to lose 25 years of accumulated fat in three weeks or less. It is very entertaining to watch these fools attempt to defy the science of calorie burning by sprinting on the treadmill, hoisting twice their body weight over their heads and generally exhausting themselves all in a 20 minute workout. The laughter they will help you generate will burn at least 500 calories.

2- EAT MORE FRUIT AND VEGETABLES- I'm convinced that most of the studies that say eating more fruit and veggies is the way to better health are funded by the very people who grow this stuff. After all, what better way to sell your product than to insist that it will cure everything that's wrong with you AND help you lose weight. You can't tell me that the marketing people at the beer and pizza companies can't come up with a study that shows the same thing. They just are not being creative enough. I do know one thing, though. The more fruit and vegetables you eat, the more time you spend in the bathroom not eating pizza and drinking beer. There might be something to this fruit and veggie thing after all...

3- EXERCISE AT HOME- I don't know about you, but when given the choice between going to the health club or going down to the basement to hop on the treadmill, the choice is easy-I reach for the potato chips. It is virtually impossible to be disciplined enough to exercise at home. There are simply way too many activities at home to allow me to find the time to exercise. Eating, sleeping, more eating, more sleeping and resting from all the eating and sleeping tend to leave little time for any other activities, particularly activities that would make me tired and hungry.

There you have it. Three easy steps to successful weight loss. If you have any further questions, you can find me doing more research down at the donut shop.

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