by Janet Harris

Created on: January 13, 2009

The way I really feel oh my goodness this is a potential minefield. Mainly because the way I want the world to see me, and the way I actually feel inside are poles apart.

I am quite ashamed of the way I really feel.

I am almost 56 years old and I have this totally unrealistic and some would say slightly superior feeling that I should be pampered. I've been young and strong, I've battled with my demons and feel I have won quite a few. I've had my heart broken, I've endured the death of my parents and my husband and now have two wonderful adults who are my children, and two grand-children. I've served my apprenticeship in life and now I feel I should be Chairman of the Board. Alas, other people do not share my views.

This especially applies to me at work. For a start, I feel that I shouldn't be working at all. I have been made redundant a few times, got into debt too so that I now have to work just to pay my rent and to eat. I resent this. I am working because I have to, and therefore I feel that my employers should treat me with the respect I think I deserve. I shouldn't have to take orders, especially from people younger than me. I should make my own decisions and be totally supported in them.as I said, I should be Chairman of the Board.

There is a lady on my team at work who is so miserable that I am sometimes afraid to speak to her, I want to tell her to at least be polite, civility costs nothing and that she is rude and ignorant. But of course, I never do, I just smile and speak to her as I do to everyone else, but inside I often wonder why I should make such an effort, and the same goes for anyone else who cannot be bothered to be polite.

I often say yes when I want to say no.

I don't want to go to Leanne/Jenny/Martin/Maggie's leaving party. It will be boring and some of the people who are going are people I don't even like. I don't want to help my nephew with his homework, I did all that many years ago with my children. I don't want to do all the driving when I go out with my sister for the day, I hate driving and I hate trying to find a parking space even more.

I feel I should be given treats often and regularly by my loved ones. I should get flowers, chocolates, be taken out for dinner and have my housework done for me because I have looked after everyone else and now its my turn.

See how awful I am?

Maybe I am not all bad however. I really feel that I should try to make everyone in the family get along together and be happy. My son has a fianc, his own house and a career he enjoys. My daughter is a Mother of two toddlers, who works for a couple of days a week. Therefore they don't see each other very often. I really feel that they should all get together every week and that I should be there too and we should have lots of fun as a family. This is unrealistic I know and for the majority of families it is unthinkable that they would spend a lot of time together, but of course I would love to think that my family is different and that I am the pin that holds them all together.

I feel jealous and resentful of those lucky enough (and rich enough)to retire early and stay at home, do lunch' go on trips abroad when it is freezing cold here in the UK, join clubs and shop in the best places.

I know I have to conform just like the rest of the world, but I wonder what life would be like if I acted in the way that I really feel.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I feel that I have earned the right to do what I want.

But then even the Queen of England has to endure meeting people she doesn't want to meet and go to places she dosn't want to go and she's much older than me!

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