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My old lady called me on the pay phone at my favorite watering hole and asked if I wanted to partake in the making of a family portrait. I asked her if she was certain I was the one that she wanted to speak with since the last time I heard from her, she was on her way to Vegas to gamble away my drinking cash. That was a decade ago. She was positive that I was the guy.

A family portrait, eh? I thought to myself aloud. "Well, only if we exclude the siamese twins. You know they look freakish with that stud piercing in their common tongue." I said...I think.

She would not hear of leaving anyone out of such a spectacular event as this.

"Me an' Floyd are on our way back from Rome (Georgia) an' we thought it was the bestest idea we ever thought up!" Her energy was contagious. (Floyd happens to be my 1/4 brother, twice removed. He and Brenda Sue robbed me of my drinking cash and headed to Vegas to gamble it away).

"Rome, Georgia!" I shouted.

"Yeah, we hit it big out there in Lost Vegas and I always wanted to go to Rome an' Floyd took me!" She exclaimed.

"I'm all for a family portrait if you and Floyd are footin' the bill." I had to stand my ground on this one.

"Oh, yeah! Me and an' Floyd got one of them free Olin Mills certificates from the Wal-Mart in Rome (Georgia) an' that'll cover a eight by ten of us all!"

There she goes throwing up that Rome, Georgia trip to me again. Brenda Sue never could let anything go. She always begged me to take her to Rome (Georgia). I never could...or would. That town is too big for a simple country boy like me.

"You say we gotta have everybody in this thing, huh?" I asked aloud, but meaning to ask it in the privacy of my own brain.

"Yep. Everybody." She answered aloud from her payphone into mine.

"Hmmm." I said contemplatively. A 'Hmmm' makes me sound smart-like. "I better get on the phone and start lookin' around for some of my other young 'uns then. Don't know if their all still around this neck of the woods."

"Now, I didn't say I wanted all of your little bastards in my family portrait! Just our little bastards." Brenda Sue was a woman who knew what she wanted. Floyd was more of a man than me to handle such gal like he did. Lord knows I never could.

"Awright!" I exclaimed. "Count me in!"

"Oh, goody, goody!" Brenda Sue chimed. You an' Floyd are gonna look so handsome in yer matchin' Lynard Skynard baseball caps I got for ya'll in Rome (Georgia)!"

After the family portrait.................

Our fine family portrait from Wal-Mart is now proudly hanging above the bar in my favorite waterin' hole. Everyday I look up and admire all of us who came together as a family, if only for a brief three hours in front of the Olin Mills camera man who had just got out of the big house in Montgomery for takin' nekkid pictures of senior citizen door greeters and posting them on the 'Have You Seen Me Lately' bulletin boards around the South. Oh, look! There's me and Floyd in our new matching Lynard Skynard baseball caps that Brenda Sue found at a thrift shop in Rome (Georgia). There's the siamese twins with the piercing in their common tongue. Gene Simmons would be proud. And they didn't look freakish at all. There's little Yung, me and Brenda Sue's eldest boy who is all grown up and is now a girl. There's Lee Roy, the baby of the family. I always thought he might have had a little Cherokee in him 'cause he has the darkest tan you ever saw. And there are so many more that I can't recall all of their names and I'm not sure if they even belong to me or not even though I'm payin' the child support to keep myself out of the proverbial slammer. It is the best family portrait I ever saw.

Learn more about this author, Timothy Edward Jones.
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