by Karla Aguirre

Created on: January 12, 2009

Even in the most loving of families, there will always be trouble one point or another; between parent and child, siblings, between your partner. The amount of time and bitterness of the situation always varies as much as how we are able to handle them. One situation that is seen all-too often is when a parent decides to vent their troubles about the other parent. It may seem like harmless conversation or venting, but what is often not realized are the more hidden, deeper effects of doing this not on yourself but on your child(ren).

There is no doubt that it does feel like quite a relief when all the anger and words are flushed out one way or another. It's healthy to vent. What makes it unacceptable is on the receiving end is your child biological or otherwise. When you vent to the child about the other parent, you are subconsciously going after them (the other parent) through the one that shares one half of their genetics. And because of that half, you will find yourself potentially lashing out at the child, who often cannot and/or will not defend himself or herself from the passive aggressive assault.

What one also fails to realize is that the child is also being wounded by the words. If you occasionally vent to your child, remember this: he or she loves you. He or she also loves the other parent. That is a fact that cannot be changed. When the child is forced to hear you speaking so ill about the parent, it hurts their feelings too. No one likes to hear bad things about their parents, and no one likes to see them unhappy. Chances are that while you are venting to them, your partner is also doing the same to your child. Put yourself in your child's shoes; remember what it was like being their age and knowing that your parents are fighting. Every child's worst fear is the people they cherish so much coming to one decision: divorce whether they understand the concept or not, every child wants for both parents to live together in the same house with happiness and love.

So what would be the best thing to do next time you and your partner find yourselves having an argument? Simple: KEEP YOUR CHILD OUT OF IT! Whatever the reasons may be, the argument started with two adults, should stay with two adults, and end with two adults. It is highly unfair to have the child be caught in the crossfire of your problems. If you find yourself needing to vent, and you can't call a friend to cheer you up, find other ways of getting your thoughts out of your system. What you can do is open up whichever text-editing program you use, and simply type out your thoughts much like a diary. Except that you should neither save your text, nor especially post it online. These things will come back to haunt you one way or another, even if it's just "in the moment" anger. You can do other stress-relieving activities, whatever works for you; just keep your child as far away as possible. You will also want to discuss it with your partner and avoid victimizing the child.

Remember that your child loves you both, whether you are still together or you and your partner have already decided to separate. Nothing will ever change that. You can protect the child from a lot of the dangers of the world, but it is important to also protect him or her from yourself.

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