by Mj Ferruzza

Created on: January 12, 2009   Last Updated: May 25, 2011

Let's start off. You are not a bad person and you are certainly not a failure. Relationships fail, people don't.

What most people don't realize is that relationships, like a marriage, are an organic thing. They start with seeds of interest, the grow roots though time and commitment, they flourish or they wither. And when they wither, like a flower at the end of its season, they need to be pruned. It may sound too simple an analogy, but it is very close to being extremely accurate. At some point you and your partner have to prune back the hurt, the pain, the anger and resentment, so you can till to start a new blossoming relationship.

There are different levels in a grieving process and with the feelings after a relationship the same holds true. Imagine dropping a pebble into a still pond. You can watch as the ripples make their way out from the center. Those rings are reflective of closure to your relationship. The first splash is the end. It may be a big splash getting a lot of people wet (those who are involved in the break up) or it can be just a little kerplunk (where no one really gets hurt and both partners just move on).

The ring analogy diagrams how long it will take to really find a comfort zone and move on. Nobody can claim closure happens immediately, though many wish so. Closure will come at different time for both partners. Sometimes making it difficult for one or the other to question how fast the other moved on. But in time, both partners can claim closure and grow to be stronger people.
Back to the rings.

If the splash is the break up, the first ring is a feeling of worthlessness and a lot of unanswered questions. The second ring is anger and animosity. The third ring represents alienation. The fourth ring can be self destruction, be it financial with shopping or gambling or physically with drug or alcohol abuse. The fifth ring is the road to recovery using friends and meaningless relationships to fill the void left from your partnership. The sixth ring is realization that you may actually be alright inside. the seventh is the ability to see all the previous rings and create your own overview of your recovery process. Ring eight is the old you returning to form. Ring number nine is distance from the big bang and realization that closure comes from the inside, not the outside. at ring ten, the furthest ring in our analogy, finds that you may be even ready to have a civil conversation with your ex partner without the feeling of hurt, animosity, humiliation, or ambivalence.

Closure is necessary for all relationships that come to an end, no matter how. Time is the biggest asset in developing closure from within. Friends and distractions can help along the way by filling time. Remember that closure is a process and you can't shortcut your way through that process. Only you can repair the hurt in your heart. Relationships do fail, people don't! You are a special person. Never forget that!

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