by Victoria Sambursky

Created on: January 12, 2009   Last Updated: October 01, 2009

You're in love and thinking of getting married, you come from two different religious backgrounds - now what? You are going to have to have "The Talk" with your spouse. Many people think serious talks are only reserved for issues like finances, wanting kids, or where to live after marriage. But in a serious relationship, especially if it is one eventually involving marriage and children, the single greatest talk is the one about religion. It is the foundation for everything.

My husband and I met in college, so the topic didn't matter at first. As time wore on, a series of awkward family events and holidays highlighting our different religions (Catholic and Jewish) forced us to finally deal with it. These talks were some of the most difficult, introspective and personal discussions we have ever had in our lives. Many couples think that "things will work themselves out" when it comes to religion and marriage, that is a large misconception. It doesn't even matter if you are religious or not, this talk can collectively save you from many years of painful, awkward moments and bitter, hurtful family arguments. In fact, facing this difficult subject may make you or your partner realize that you are indeed more or less religious/traditional than you originally thought. You and your soulmate are finally ready to sit down and discuss this sensitive topic. So what kinds of issues should you discuss? How will this all work? Here is a list of a few things to get you started:

If we have children, what religion will we choose to raise them in? Do we want to raise them in any religion?
Am I religious? Does my religion honestly play a role in my life? Does tradition play a role in my life?
Do I really understand my partner's religion? What things do both of our religions have in common?
What misconceptions, prejudices or biases do either one of you have for the other's religion?
Will an interfaith marriage work or do we want one religion? If we want a single religion, which one will it be and will there be a conversion involved? If so, honestly discuss issues of separation, guilt, and personal responsibility that correspond with converting to another religion.
How will our families be affected by our decisions?
In terms of life-cycle events and holidays, how will we deal with each event? When dealing with this question, get very specific. The who, what, where, when and how need to be addressed.
Do research on the subject! Read books, look on-line and ask other people who have gone through this experience for advice.
When confronting these issues, do not sugarcoat anything and stay honest, respectful and open to all answers and ideas. Also remember that you or your partner may not know the answers to these questions right away. Many of these issues can take a long time to figure out, so be patient. It took my husband and I several years to navigate many of our own feelings, biases and perspectives. During that time, there were arguments and bruised egos. However, on the flip side, there were many more moments of bonding and spiritual realizations that brought us closer together. Eventually, all of this self-discovery blossomed into a healthy outlook on our religious life together. It still remains a journey, but it is an honest one with a clear path ahead. So remember, love is the foundation of a good marriage, but honesty will always keep it standing strong.

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