Everyone fears fear.
Some fear heights, others fear darkness. Whereas you get people who fear themselves. I know what I fear, but that's not what is holding me back. I fear being a disappointment. I fear of things, actually. I also know...if I really put my mind to something, concentrate fully, then that fear will diminish like a vanquishing flame.
I fear what lies in store for my life in the future. What lies in store for anybody's future? Will there be a future? What will happen in ten, or five years' time? No-one knows what will happen. Is that a good, or a bad thing? I don't know. I don't know a lot of things either...but one thing I am sure of...is fear.
No-one wants to be a disappointment to their families. I certainly don't. I want to make my mom and dad proud of me; like all sons and daughters. It's a natural thing; making the ones we love happy in life. When I sleep at night, I feel a tremendous amount of fear. I know why...what's waiting down in the deepest corners of my pulsating heart. Darkness. A darkness that is waiting to flourish. I know it's only a matter of time until I lose self-control. I can't think logically about anything...the people I once loved...the people I'll always love...I turn against them; consumed by a rapidly growing wave of anger that is slowly taking control over me, laughing at my helplessness.
I'm Okay with how my life is at the moment, but I'll always fear the future. I don't know why, but then again...I do fear. I fear being unloved, but I fear having to show love. I don't want to be weakened by a light heart resting inside of me, burning with happiness. I want to return that love to the person I care about the most...but I know I cannot ever be with her. Is that why I am still single...gripping onto false hope? Hoping that she'll understand sooner or later just how much she means to me? I can't let her go...let her go without telling her she is more than just a friend to me. If I do that...I'm feeling that sense of fear building inside of me. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to live alone; to not feel the warmth of a woman's body underneath me...
...But I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I want to be happy; I want to be happy with HER, but that can never be. It's just not remotely possible. No matter how hard I want it to become a reality, I don't think it'll ever happen. There's plenty of time for something to happen between us, for our love to blossom with one another. But is there? Do we have that luxury of time on our hands?
I don't know.
I fear love because I fear not being able to be committed to that one special person. I fear making a stupid, stupid error. Sometimes I see myself becoming filled with such a tremendous amount of guilt and anger and hatred...I can't take it anymore. I fear hurting that one person that I love now and for always. Should I tell her now how I truly feel about her...or should I wait? But what am I waiting for? Chance or hope? Does everything evolve around those two choices? I want to be with her - badly - but right now, I don't know if I can. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be with her. Will she react well, or will she despise me? I hope not. She's my friend, but how I wish it could be so much more than just agile friendship. But if it's just meant to be friendship, then that's Okay.
I want to be happy with someone. I want to be able to feel that moment of awkwardness before that first kiss...the way in which we both look at one another, not knowing quite what to do; our eyes gazing into each other's; the adrenaline coursing through our veins, quickening our hearts...the slow but gradual closeness of our bodies intertwining as our lips finally press against each others, the deepening of the kiss...Such a passionate, intoxicating moment of love being poured into that one amazing kiss.
Love is a poison to all peoples concerned. But love is something to cherish, but also something to fear. It melts our hearts, weakens our thinking. Makes us do stupid things. That's just how love works: complications. But love is such a wonderful, beautiful feeling to have inside of you. Makes you want to live; to live to see that person of your every sleepless night in the flesh, imagining holding her hand in yours; sitting down at your table, laughing and kissing her neck; telling her how much you love her.
I'll always love her, but until that day comes when we can be as one...then I don't know what the future holds. Uncertainty, probably. I'll tell you why I fear love...
...I fear love because I AM in love already. My heart is burning, but my mind is a wandering place of uncertainty and growing anger. Fear of never being with her, or never getting to tell her how much I love her. If I am never granted that opportunity, then here it is: I love you, and I always will love you. But know that I am in agonizing pain, not being able to have you as my own this now; not knowing who can call you their own right now, when it should be me. When I want it to be me telling you I love you, but it turns out to be someone else. I love you, and I fear it so much. So, terribly much...but that's why I love you.
You've given me something to hold onto: Hope.