by Ian Black

Created on: January 12, 2009   Last Updated: October 14, 2011

Everyone fears fear.

Some fear heights, others fear darkness. Whereas you get people who fear themselves. I know what I fear, but that's not what is holding me back. I fear being a disappointment. I fear of things, actually. I also know...if I really put my mind to something, concentrate fully, then that fear will diminish like a vanquishing flame.

I fear what lies in store for my life in the future. What lies in store for anybody's future? Will there be a future? What will happen in ten, or five years' time? No-one knows what will happen. Is that a good, or a bad thing? I don't know. I don't know a lot of things either...but one thing I am sure of...is fear.

No-one wants to be a disappointment to their families. I certainly don't. I want to make my mom and dad proud of me; like all sons and daughters. It's a natural thing; making the ones we love happy in life. When I sleep at night, I feel a tremendous amount of fear. I know why...what's waiting down in the deepest corners of my pulsating heart. Darkness. A darkness that is waiting to flourish. I know it's only a matter of time until I lose self-control. I can't think logically about anything...the people I once loved...the people I'll always love...I turn against them; consumed by a rapidly growing wave of anger that is slowly taking control over me, laughing at my helplessness.

I'm Okay with how my life is at the moment, but I'll always fear the future. I don't know why, but then again...I do fear. I fear being unloved, but I fear having to show love. I don't want to be weakened by a light heart resting inside of me, burning with happiness. I want to return that love to the person I care about the most...but I know I cannot ever be with her. Is that why I am still single...gripping onto false hope? Hoping that she'll understand sooner or later just how much she means to me? I can't let her go...let her go without telling her she is more than just a friend to me. If I do that...I'm feeling that sense of fear building inside of me. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to live alone; to not feel the warmth of a woman's body underneath me...

...But I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I want to be happy; I want to be happy with HER, but that can never be. It's just not remotely possible. No matter how hard I want it to become a reality, I don't think it'll ever happen. There's plenty of time for something to happen between us, for our love to blossom with one another. But is there? Do we have that luxury

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