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SO, you find yourself divorced, or you are about to be. And you have young children. Now what?

Possibly, you are distraught. Possibly your ex is distraught. Possibly, she (or he) now has a new significant other and may even be living in "over there".

So, how do you think all this affects the kids?

The web site, helpguide.org has some very good suggestions for coping with divorce. Obviously, you first, you want to take steps to reduce the traumatic effects of the divorce on your kids. But you also need to do that for yourself and your ex. Yes, your ex. The fewer people going through any trauma over this the better and the easier it will be on all peripheral people, including your children. You need to help them cope with the standard dynamics that show up in most divorce situations.

Personally, I've always thought one should be honest with their kids, with everyone really, whenever possible, and within reason, of course. You don't have to be brutally honest, but reasonably so. Let them know about the potential for negative effects that each of them may encounter. Some children respond to adversity by withdrawing emotionally or freezing out their emotions. The quiet child(ren) may in actuality be ever so much more upset than the other children who are showing obvious signs of distress and thereby, releasing some of it. These kids still need help. But the quiet ones may need it more.

Give your kids opportunities on a daily basis to openly communicate their feelings. Coax these from them, gently, with love and patience. Give them encouragement to describe their feelings and express their sadness, their fears, anxieties, and especially the possibly hidden anger that they may not fully understand for what it is. This will give you an opportunity to provide comfort and reassurance for them. Let them know that they will be loved and continue to be cared for and continue to be safe.

Offer your children choices, whenever possible. It increases their sense of power over their own little lives. These choices can include foods, clothing and other things so long as they don't disrupt your family's routines or endanger their well-being.

Find support for yourself and your children. Family members, even friends, religious or secular support groups, counselors and therapists, are all useful resources in your book of those who can be useful in mending troubled minds.

Provide continuity for your children, they need the sense of continuity provided by the structure inherent in dependable

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