by Victoria Sambursky

Created on: January 12, 2009

Oh the old cliche, "You'll never understand what it's like to have a child until you have one of your own". We have about ten billion books, magazine articles, e-zines, talk shows covering every facet about the first year of parenting. There is everything from serious step by step guides, to humorous non-fiction, to "moms" therapy groups and everything in between. And alas, the advice is pretty universal:

1. Feeding a newborn?

Breast feeding good

Sagging breasts bad

Solution: get a good bra.

2. No sleep?

Get some extra help good

Throw screaming baby out the window bad

Solution: Sleep whenever you can.

3. Trouble deciphering babies needs?

Follow instincts good

Listening to know-it-all mother-in-law bad

Solution: Don't listen to anyone - even self-proclaimed Austrailan "baby-whisperer" from recent Oprah show.

So yes, beginning parenting is tough as nails. Now let's move on and heat up the kettle - what really happens to your marriage or partnership during the first year of parenting? Most books and articles gloss over the real nitty-gritty issues of how relationships are effected by a newborn. So here's my experience of how a new baby equals a new relationship.

There you both are, smiling at your newborn baby. Wondering all the things parents wonder: will he be healthy? Will she be smart?. You both gaze into each other's eyes and realize you share this incredible gift. Then here comes the reality. First challenge: how to get the baby into the actual baby carrier. This challenge can almost be compared to a litmus test of sorts. How do you both react to the screaming child? Do you quietly, calmly, carefully look at directions and work on a peaceful solution to adjust the harness? OR, after the first few tries ignore the directions, have a meltdown because not only has the new mom not slept in three days (or more) - her meds are wearing off, your newborn is screaming like a banshee, the hospital phone is still ringing from every friend and relative needing to hear about every moment of the blessed event, and the nurse keeps coming in with more paperwork than a tax audit. After all this commotion, the love of your life, your partner, your best friend looks at you and says, "You are doing it wrong". Ahhh, here it is, the real test of commitment, love and friendship. This is the beginning of the change, the transformation if you will. So the first week hits. Initially you both think not so bad, we can do this. Then the baby doesn't stop crying ever. By night six you both turn to

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