Greed is one of the classic seven deadly sins. Not only does it destroy the person who harbours it, but it destroys relationships, familities, and lives. Everyone has experienced the twinges of greed, and also the results of others' greed. We ask ourselves how come love is not more important then greed, and often feel guilty when someone treats us ruthlessly to serve his/her greed, imagining that we are at fault in some way.
Folk wisdom has it that you should never do business with your family. And yet we see family businesses that thrive, and everyone seems content and fulfilled. This could be because someone is dominant and no one dares to object, or because some family members are living in a fool's paradise, and don't realize the true situation. It could also be because expectations are clear, boundaries have been set, and the paperwork has been done as well as it can be done, and is legally binding on everyone.
Loans fall under the heading of doing business. Some people are always in need, and think the family should be a bottomless bank which supplies on-demand loans that don't need to be re-paid until it is convenient, about two weeks after hell freezes over. The safest answer to these requests is NO, with a pleasant smile. After a while, the person will move on to someone else. Giving money "just this once" is like pouring gasoline on a fire.
If a family member who is usually responsible has a legitimate need for funds, either make it a gift, or draw up the legal paperwork. If the terms of the loan are not met, you will have the option of going to court to claim what is yours. This will unleash a terrible outcry of protest, and accusations of disloyalty, hard-heartedness and greed, but that is the price you will have to pay to get your money back.
Battles over estates are the worst wars of all. Some family members will barge in and grab whatever they can. Issues of love, grief, guilt and blame get dumped on property disputes. If you are the executor of a will, secure all the property until things are settled, and don't give anyone else a key.
Some family members will give up their property rights because they are afraid of being ostracized by other family members. That will not improve their status with the family one bit. Others will lose respect for the "push-over", and push even harder for a bigger piece of the pie.
How to cope? Love, accept and forgive your family members, warts and all. At the same time, maintain your boundaries. Boundaries keep your territory and your treasures safe from invasion by others. In many homes, boundary violations abound. Parents raid the piggy banks of their children, or give Big Sister's teddy bear to the baby without asking permission. Poweful older siblings may dominate younger ones, and younger ones may manipulate the parents to get them things they are not fairly entitled to. Those who protest against injustice are accused of jealousy, selfishness, and greed, and those accusations are internalized by the victim. The habits of our family of origin are deeply engrained in our psyches, and will continue to be expressed unless we make a deliberate, concerted and persistent effort to change.
1. Make business transactions with family members just as professional, clear, and legally binding as you would with anyone else.
2. Don't lend or give money or possessions unless you really want to. Say NO with a smile (this will confuse the vulture), and carry on. A little guilt short-term is better than a life-time of resentment.
3. Focus on the practical issues, and keep the emotions on a leash. Resist emotional black-mail. Caving in will make things worse for you in the long run, not better. If someone wants to rip you off, that is not a reflection on your worth or your character, but theirs. If you say no and insist on your rights, that doesn't make you a bad person. If your choices displease or inconvenience another family member, those emotions are theirs to deal with, not yours.
4. Get help from an outside party if necessary. Family members often behave much more acceptably when someone else is observing. If all else fails, let your lawyer do the talking and letter-writing.
5. Don't counter abuse with abuse. Learn how to behave assertively. Don't try to change others by pleading, threatening, or shaming. Just hold your ground as pleasantly as possible. Negotiate if that is appropriate, but don't make concessions just because you want to placate someone else.