by Koren Allen

Created on: January 10, 2009

"Why doesn't she talk? Why is she in a wheelchair?"

I've been asked these and other questions countless times by children who are curious about my daughter, who has Angelman Syndrome and is physically and mentally different from other children her age. Children are expert ice-breakers because they have not yet been taught to stifle their curiosity in the name of politeness. They will often start the honest, curious dialogue that many adults are too afraid to start.

When talking to your children about disabilities, your most important goal should be to keep that natural curiosity intact. Throughout our lives, curiosity is what compels us to ask questions, instead of just making assumptions based on false information or uninformed opinions we've heard before. Questions lead to understanding, and understanding leads to acceptance. Children usually accept differences readily - it is our task as parents not to curb this natural tendency.

Never discourage your child's questions about disability, but be honest if you don't have the answers. It's ok to tell your children "I don't know." Whenever possible, look for opportunities to ask the person your child is curious about. The normal stranger-danger cautions apply here, so gauge the situation just as you would when approaching anyone without disabilities. It would be wise to avoid someone who is obviously in a foul mood or wants to be alone, but if the person is making eye contact and smiling, there's a good chance you and your child can easily start a conversation.

If your child is asking about someone they saw at the mall or at school, listen to what your child notices about that person. Was it a wheelchair that caught his attention? A service animal? A person using sign language? Many disabilities are openly visible, while others are more subtle, as in cases of mild mental impairments. Build on whatever aspect of the disability caught your child's attention.

Try to steer away from explanations that present disability as a negative situation, and avoid lacing your explanations with pity for the individual. Above all, the individual is a person first, a person who uses sign language or a person who uses a wheelchair. One easy way to steer away from this tendency is to think of disabilities as differences, rather than flaws. When explaining this to a child, say things like, "Do you know how some people have to wear glasses and some people don't? Well some people use a wheelchair to get around, while others use their legs. Some people talk with their voice, and others talk with their hands." If your child is old enough to understand the medical issues, by all means, give him as much information as he asks for; with younger children, a simple direct explanation helps alleviate fear and fosters understanding.

Unlike other social differences, disability is the one that could affect any one of us at any time. For this reason, it's important that children not be afraid of people with disabilities. Encourage and foster their natural curiosity about differences, and balance your explanations by pointing out similarities too. Children are wonderfully open-minded. Once they discover that my daughter loves to dance, laugh, and play the same games they do, then the wheelchair seems to disappear as new friendships are forged. It happens on its own; we as parents just need to avoid stifling it.

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