by Jon Coe

Created on: January 09, 2009

Just about every picture of my family has a young boy in the corner with his tongue sticking out. That little boy was me.

My mother used to get so annoyed with me: I remember my mother standing with her Kodak Box Camera, adjusting her glasses and threatening me with all kinds of things, but just before that final click, I would poke my tongue out and she never knew what I had done until the prints came back from the developer.

I often wondered what it would be like if my mother and father had commissioned an artist to paint our family portrait? How long would I have had to have poked my tongue out before that impression was ingrained in oils for ever?

As I grew up I learned that the poking of the tongue, was an hereditary action passed on down to me by my father. As I looked through vast collections of black and white photographs, I would ask my grandmother, "Gran, who's that little boy in the middle with his tongue sticking out?"

"Why, that's your father." She would reply, shaking her head.

The only decent family portrait with me in it, was done after school one day when I was about ten years old. The school colors were grey and red and I must say that I looked very handsome in my very first color photograph.

However, the photographer failed to point out that my bright red tie was lying over the top of my grey woollen tank top, instead of tucked underneath. A fair haired little boy with a tie that matched his rosy red cheeks, was definitely the greater replacement of his proverbial tongue.

To this day, I cringe at the thought of a family portrait. What seems abnormal to me, might seem quite presentable to a photographer? The last portrait that I had done, looked very impressive indeed; especially as I had buttoned my shirt up the wrong way and my youngest daughter's dress had been put on backwards.

No matter how hard I try, I find it impossible to take the perfect portrait picture: My smile has limitations as I have one vampire tooth. If I open my mouth too wide, I look as if I'm getting ready to suck blood and if I smile only with my lips, then I look like I have just received notification of an audit from the IRS.

Looking through my photo albums today, I rarely see something that I consider presentable enough for framing. Once, my children took all of their school photographs and cut out their faces. Then, they found snap shots of family pets, past and present, and replaced their faces with their furry loved ones.

Although our last name is not Adams, if one didn't know me and were to look through my house and view the various collages that adorn my suburban walls, one might decide to vacate the premises immediately, but not before calling the local Social Services Department.

As for the one with the red tie? It's the best ever!

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