Many of our obstacles are self-generated. They are obstacles of the mind or of the emotions. They are obstacles of belief and limitation. We can sometimes overcome these obstacles by communicating with others, getting outside feedback, a second opinion.
But when obstacles involve other people, whether family, friends, or colleagues (or even strangers), then communication is the only key. In fact, it might be true that most of our obstacles involving others are created through bad communication or a lack of communication in the first place.
What are the keys to good communication? How can obstacles, once in place, be overcome through improved communication? I tried to put these keys in some kind of order of importance but was unable to do so. It also must be understood that this list is not exhaustive. The subject is worthy of a book and many have been written.
Perceptions
Many obstacles in relationships come about through inaccurate perceptions. The party who represents the obstacle may misperceive who you are or what your intentions are in your communications. Assumptions come out of perceptions and assumptions can derail clear communication every time.
Our perceptions of who we are and our own intentions may not be clear to us. We may also misperceive the other as to their motives or even their attitude toward us. In overcoming obstacles through good communication, one must be clear about one's own perceptions of self and the other and clear about the intent and goals of the relationship.
When we perceive ourselves as clearly as possible and perceive the other clearly, good communication can result and obstacles can be overcome.
Projections
This psychological factor (from Freud) is very much related to perception. Because we all tend to project qualities onto others that we deny in ourselves, we can end up creating obstacles in relationship. Many obstacles are created because the other party seems to have a quality of attitude or behavior that really puts us off. If we have that same quality hidden in our psyche, there are going to be problems.
The best way to deal with projections is to assume that everyone you meet is reflecting some aspect of yourself. If another person really pushes your buttons and brings up a lot of emotion in you, positive or negative, there's a good chance they're trying to tell you something about yourself.
It takes a lot of courage to honestly look inside oneself to see if you are not harboring some of the same qualities that create obstacles for you in relationship with certain people. It may be painful to face such unsavory qualities in yourself but it also liberating. That obstacle is removed simply by facing the truth. The unsavory quality will disappear just by being brought to light.
Honesty & Clarity
These would seem to be no-brainers in any kind of communication. Dishonesty or a lack of clarity is bound to create obstacles. Good communication involves trust and trust is only gained through honest communication. Honest and clear communication requires that you be clear with yourself and honest with yourself first.
If perceptions and projections are faced and acknowledged, honest and clear communication will be the result. If we are trying to project an ego-generated image of who we are, honesty is compromised. Socrates admonished us to know ourselves. I believe that is our life work. Nevertheless, on our way to that lofty goal we can still communicate the self that we currently believe in with as much honesty and clarity as possible.
Intentions
I spoke of intentions under "Perception." If your intentions are not honest or clear, obstacles will almost certainly follow. The ego is very much involved in our intentions. If your intention in relating to another is to glorify yourself, to show that you are better, smarter, wittier, or more successful than they, you have a monster of an obstacle in the making.
If our intention is to have others like us or think that we are "cool," that very intention may sabotage our communication. Instead we will come off as conceited and self-centered. The golden rule applies here. You need to be as interested in the other person as you would like them to be in you. And that interest should be obvious in your style of communication.
Respect & Listening
If I am constantly thinking about what I'm going to say next rather than being attentive to what the other is saying, I am operating on ego. It is disrespectful to only be focused on yourself and the points you wish to make. That is not a conversation and it certainly is not communication.
Respect for the other is shown by really listening. This is an art that must be cultivated. It requires putting your ego and your agenda aside. It requires showing real interest in the other person, not feigned interest. A person who feels listened to feels respected. That person will give you that same respect and obstacles will not arise.
When you are in a position in which obstacles exist, they can be diminished by listening. Listening means being present, not letting your mind wander off to something else. When an individual feels they are being heard, when they feel they are being respected, the whole relationship dynamic can change dramatically.
If I were forced to choose one point or key, I would have to say that listening is the most important aspect of good communication and good conversation.