by Michael Orr

Created on: January 08, 2009

It's been a strange day. Sitting here in the waiting room at the University Medical Center, inhaling the antiseptic air and trying to block out the noise from the other hundred people who all seem to have brought everyone that they know, I can't figure out where it all went wrong.

The day started off well enough, I went to the gym around six a.m., like I do five or six times a week. Okay, I actually go once or twice a week, but I intent to go five or six times. Anyway, it was a cool morning, if you consider eighty-one degrees at six o'clock cool. So I parked my car, a freshly restored 1969 Camaro Convertible; totally original, except for the paint color, I went with Viper Yellow, at the far end of the parking lot in order to reduce the chances of someone opening their door into it. I went in and had a great workout. I ran for a while, did some curls and dumbell presses. I even did some leg extensions.

Afterward, I showered and got dressed for work. I was walking out across the parking lot when this blur of white light slams into my car. I ran out to the car, albeit with considerable effort since my legs were like jello after all the leg extensions. Turns out that I hadn't seen a blur after all, but a car that was so long it looked like a small commuter train. In Tucson, we have a problem with optimistic blue-hairs. It seems to be hip in our town, if you are under five feet tall and over eighty years old, to drive the biggest, bulkiest, longest vehicle available; usually of the mid-seventies Lincoln or Cadillac variety. This particular one was a Lincoln Continental and part of it was wedged into my right rear wheelwell.

The optimistic blue-hair behind the wheel said, "I thought I could make it."

A half an hour later, we're still out there exchanging insurance cards and talking to the police. She said, "I'm sorry officer, I just didn't see it." It's bright yellow for god's sake.

In my suit, I was laying on the pavement with my loafers on the tire trying to pull with all my might to dislodge the crumpled quarter panel from the wheel so that I could, at least, drive it. Finally, the steel gave away and bent outward and away from the tire. Unfortunately, my suit pants also gave away at the same time; split right through the crotch.

Crushed, like my car, I headed home to change clothes so I could go to work. When I got to the office, the receptionist, Miss No-Chin said, "the boss wants to see ya." And nodded her head toward his office.

"James, come in and sit down." said

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>