by Christine G.

Created on: January 08, 2009

Losing weight is easy. I've lost approximately 835 pounds over the last twenty years. Trouble is, I keep finding it again. I keep looking for a way to donate my excess flesh to anorexics and constitutionally thin people who are cursed with a speedy metabolism, but no luck. How come medical science can do liver, kidney, lung and heart transplants, but not fat transplants?

Every time I decide it's time to shed a few pounds, I get the same story. Eat fewer carbs, less fat, more fibre. Make skinless, boneless, tasteless chicken breasts my best friend, and learn to mistake a flavoured spritz for real salad dressing. Exercise, keeping my heart in that ideal fat-burning range somewhere between too slow to be useful and too fast to be healthy. Choose supportive friends who will encourage me and remind me of my commitment instead of dragging me off to the fast food joint for burgers, fries, gravy, and giant ice cream sundaes.

Well, let me tell you, all this good advice was made up by thin people who don't understand what the problem is. Asking a fat person to limit food intake is like telling an alcoholic to tend bar and drink three carefully blended and measured drinks a day, and not a drop more. So-called healthy food may look nice on the plate, provided there is enough of it to see without a magnifying glass, but it is made of leaves, cardboard, and exotic seasonings. Exercise takes time, and it hurts. As for support from family and friends, that's a cruel joke. Fat people want me to stay fat so they can feel comfortable with me; thin people want me to stay fat so they can feel superior. Oh, they may act like they are my friends, and they might even auction off their car to make bail for me if I'm in jail, but when push comes to shove, the name of the diet game is sabotage.

So forget all that. If you want to lose weight, you're on your own, baby. If you can't afford liposuction, desperate measures are in order. Try something creative to spice up the weight loss routine.

1. Wear an extremely tight foundation garment from the fifties. That will make it impossible to ingest more than a mouthful or two at a time. An occasional nip of bourbon will help you deal with the pain.

2. Walk, walk, walk. Don't take your wallet. One mile the first day, two miles the next day, then four, then eight. In four days, you will be fifteen miles from home, too far to get back in time for dinner. Even if you do make it, you will be too tired to eat.

3. Chain yourself to the bed and hire someone

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