by Elaine Sihera

Created on: January 06, 2009

How do you deal with your partner in times of arguments?

There will always be disagreements in relationships and the strength of the union does not depend on how the couple treat one another when times are good, but on what happens during conflicts. Reactions at those stressful times usually have a greater effect on the quality of the relationship than anything else.

There are four steps in every argument to get the best results. Each person involved should:
1. LISTEN carefully to the other person. In this way you will have heated discussions rather than arguments. Don't pre-empt what they are going to say, don't mistrust what they are actually saying and don't interrupt, unless the person goes on and on. If both people are simply shouting at each other, throwing accusations and not listening, how can they understand each other's viewpoint or expect to be understood?

2. TRUST what is being said. If there is no trust for your partner, there will be no trust in return for you. And we all like to be trusted and believed. We can only get back what we give. If we give no respect and no trust, we cannot be surprised when a partner treats us exactly the same. We tend not to trust the person when we ourself lack confidence and self esteem. We then become very suspicious of the behaviour of others, always expecting them to 'prove' themselves to us, yet doing very little ourselves to earn their respect. We shouldn't believe a person just because we love them. We should accept that person, warts and all, unconditionally, because we value them and respect them enough to believe them. If they lie to you, that is saying more about where they are, and their own fears, than about you. It would be time to point out the lie and explain that you expect better from someone you trust. If lies continue, that is a relationship heading for the rocks because trust would be gone from it.

3. YOUR SIDE: Once that person finishes his/her argument, put your own perception of things; how you see it and without accusations. Talk mainly about yourself, how hurt you might be by their actions, the consequences to YOU of what happened, not harp on the person in any way. If you keep the focus on you while you are giving your side, it will lessen any kind of criticism or accusations and make the healing process easier.

3. AFFIRM the person when the argument is over. Hug them, snuggle up close, tell them how amazing they are and how pleased you are to have them in your life. It separates the argument from the actual routine and keeps it from constantly overshadowing the relationship.

Arguments and disagreements will always happen between couples because they are two virtual strangers trying to co-exist. However, if one party continually acts as though they are right and the other is wrong, it will breed resentment, loss of respect and lack of trust. Arguments happen to aid mutual understanding. They are not about who is wrong or who is right, but how two strangers can live in love and friendship together with the minimum of fuss.

Learn more about this author, Elaine Sihera.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.