by Andrew Franz

Created on: January 06, 2009

Proven Scheme to Lose Weight (or Lose Weight Scheme?)

The New Year's resolutions are in, now how do you stay consistent on your New Year's diet? Well, I have a solution to your resolution. It's called the "Stop eating so much and exercise, fatty" method.

I immediately start on your problem area, your self esteem. You will be such a self-loathing wallowing mess that you won't eat for a week. In that first week, I can guarantee a 10% weight loss. What's more, when your body really starts eating itself from the inside out, the pounds will drop off by the hour. When you have the self esteem of a model, you'll be rail thin!

The main problem in weight management is distraction from our natural urge to hate ourselves. We have too many options. Our patented system puts you with your personal trainer and for $15 an hour, he will eliminate these distractions.

Watching tv? Stop eating so much and exercise fatty!

Browsing the Internet? Stop eating so much and exercise fatty!

Using the restroom? Stop eating so much and exercise fatty!

Picking up a leg of mutton? Stop eating so much and exercise fatty!

Rice-R-oni fetish? Stop eating so much and exercise fatty!

Ah! It's so simple it's genius. Of course, there will be those who say, "I don't think that kind of negative reinforcement will help me." To those people I say, "So you do want to be a fat slob forever. There still is an alternative for you my poor unfortunate mess!"

A normal diet requires eight glasses of water a day. That's true. You need water to live, but I substitute popsicles for water. Popsicles are mostly water anyway and it will trick your body into thinking you've eaten something.

Also, throw up a lot. You can get the satisfaction of eating something combined with the fact that you're being proactive about your weight.

Eating one meal a day can go a long way to improving your weight situation. If you don't consume calories throughout the day, you'll burn more. Eat one meal at night, right before you go to bed to handle your caloric intake.

It can work with kids, too! Just by adding the question, "Why do you think you get beat up so much?"

Finally, having a baby can be the best way to shed poundage. If you are a big fat pregnant lady, you can easily shed pounds by having a baby. The average baby weighs like fifty pounds so you can easily just have the kid and be back down to the size 0s you used to wear.

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