by Andrew Franz

Created on: January 06, 2009

Country Music: Road Block to Rebuilding

In less than exceptional economic times, I'd like to throw up a solution. Let's get rid of country music. It seems like poor rural people are the predominant consumers of this genre. When I worked retail, these people most regularly opened lines of credit to buy something they could not afford. Our economic situation is directly related to spending more than one is bringing in, therefore we can solve the economic issue by getting rid of country music. If there is no country music, then there will be no country people, and ultimately, no fiscal irresponsibility. Not enough? Here are some more reasons to hate country music besides the devastation of the global economy.

Twangs and Drawls

Country music is like jet fuel to the ignoramus. It seems to start with the twangs and drawls. Personally, I like my guitar to sound like a guitar, not a bat with a sinus infection. A twanging guitar is annoying, not cool. Yet, everyday in Nashville there is some feller with skin tight jeans pulled to his armpits and a chaw in his cheek stepping up to a mike and picking at a guitar as fast as he can. Twangs are like nails on chalkboards.

Drawls aren't as bone chattering as twangs. Instead, they are the very definition of slack jawed yokel. Certainly, being able to speak properly does not dictate intelligence, Stephen Hawking cannot speak at all, but speaking improperly on purpose because you're a "cowboy" is just plain dumb. Real cowboys back in the day spoke differently because they were literally separated from society and through the generations formed their own dialect. Country singers are pretending to be Howdy Doody. They're kids playing cowboys and Indians. Speak properly and ENUNCIATE! Don't mumble and stop skewing the end of every word you utter. "Crawl" should not have the same metric system as "you all"!

God and Country

I like where I live. I'm pretty sure there's a God, too. Country music states that it is a fact, written in the Bible, that Jesus lived and quoth he, "America kicks some ass." There is no refuting this fact and no room for criticism of the things the government does. Instead, the message is to put your faith in man made institutions because it was ordained by something higher. I like to call it Americanity. It's kind of like Christianity with an extreme nationalistic flare. Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, anyone of color, and the Irish need not apply to Americanity and it's overtly racist ways. The blind then follow the

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