by F.M. Leith

Created on: January 06, 2009

Raising Boys

I have just over five years experience raising boys. Well, no, make that one boy - Zach. I also have an eight year old daughter named Val. She isn't capable of giving me much material as far as humor, but she CAN stand on her head. My son, on the other hand is a different story, although he, too, can stand on his head.

It all started when he was just about two years old. Zach was cracking us up with his antics regularly, so I began emailing family with what became known as the Zach Alerts. The first email read, "I'm going to hurl. Zach just took a bite out of the sponge I use to scrub the floor." And so the Zach Alert was born.

Here are some of the favorites:

"Zach's Fresh Breath"

Who needs Listerine when you have Bath and Body Works spray?

My wonderful little man pulled the spray cap off and sucked the stuff out. I called the poison control center for the first time this month. I got the wrong number then contemplated 911. I decided to just try the poison control center again since he wasn't turning purple or passing out from it. This time I got the correct number. HOORAY! I found out that body sprays and perfumes are generally harmless unless a large amount is ingested. By this time Zach was making faces and pointed at his tongue a lot. The remedy they gave me? A popsicle to get that taste out of his mouth. At least it wasn't a stink bug this time!

"Brushing With Sushi"

This morning while I was brushing my teeth, Zachary conveniently dropped the fish net into the aquarium. I reprimanded him for the millionth time about opening the lid to the tank to begin with. He went running to his room, or so I thought. I got the net out of the aquarium and took it to the sink. (Note: If there's one thing I don't want to be up to my armpits in, it's fish water. Do you KNOW what they do in there?) By the time I turned around, Zachary was back at the aquarium with Daddy's and my toothbrushes, swishing them around at the fish. At least he didn't drop them in. Toothbrushes are at the top of the grocery list now...and doesn't it figure that I did the shopping last night?

"Nose Candy"

I won't get into too many details here because it's just too gross. I leave you with these few items:

I woke up and Zachary when Zachary crawled into bed with me. He had a Mary Jane from his Halloween candy with the wrapper half chewed off. In case you're thinking that I must be sleeping late, this was before 6:30 AM.

I proceeded to confiscate the pre-breakfast contraband and put him in his high

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