by Victoria Tiegert

Created on: January 05, 2009

Partner and spousal rape...the words alone sound confusing to our ears, primarily because sexual intimacy is such a core ingredient in a marriage. We take it for granted that married couples, or those living as though they are, are engaging in sexual relations and have a difficult time placing the word "rape" on this situation. The word is so ugly and we would much rather that it stay delegated to masked strangers with knives or some other object of intimidation, where it's been for ages. Associating it with such a beautiful thing as marriage only makes it uglier.

Often, the person who is experiencing the incredible violation of being raped at the hands of the one who is supposed to love them more than any other person will experience enormous confusion, not quite certain what it is that has happened. Especially the first time, they may feel that they are just over-reacting or are even making things up in their own minds. Surely, this didn't happen. Maybe they don't even know that it CAN happen. Not only can it happen, it does happen.

I was married to a man who committed the act of rape against me and I assure you, it was nothing like the act of making love to your spouse. There was no mistaking it. It was more than the fact that I "wasn't in the mood" or anything like that, it was a violent transgression against me and it was criminal.

If this is happening to you, you must do something. Do not live a life of being degraded by the one you should be able to trust and love, confident that you will be protected and not hurt, nurtured and not belittled. You are not deserving of this and you are not imagining it. If you are feeling forced or threatened, it is because you are. Spousal rape is a form of domestic violence that should not be overlooked. It will not get better on its own and will more than likely escalate, just like other forms of abuse.

If you are not quite ready to take the leap and leave, you can try to sit down and explain to your partner how you feel about what is happening, but this will not usually work in the long run. If you are going to attempt it, it will be best to do so with a support person, such as a trained therapist, with you for your own safety. If your partner gets angry, you will need to leave the situation as they can present a danger to you when you are next alone.

The safest step is for you to leave altogether and cut off ties with the person who is hurting you under the mask of "love". You may not be ready to make a decision to never go back yet and that is all right. The decision that you must make though, is that you won't go back to a life of abuse and degradation. If the person wants you back bad enough, they will be willing to get help for themselves first. You cannot make them, so don't even waste your time trying.

You need to concentrate on healing yourself. Your spirit is probably broken far more than your body. Get the help you need and become whole again so you will never again fall under the spell of a man or a woman who will only suck the life and happiness out of you until they weaken and wound you to the point that you won't have the self-worth left to walk away. Be strong and confident of the fact that you are deserving of respect and consideration in a loving relationship and you will find it.

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