by Marama Carmichael

Created on: January 05, 2009

I got married about three months ago, and so far I like my in-laws. I get on well with them, they're interesting, but best of all they provide me with lots of comical stories to tell my family and friends. There is never a dull moment around my in-laws. You see, my husband is Japanese, and I, well, I am not. While he speaks almost perfect English, his family doesn't speak any. And though I'm studying Japanese and have been for several years I can't get much further with them than isn't the weather beautiful today?, or yum, this is delicious. In fact at the family gatherings I always end up talking to my husband's three year old niece, as she seems to understand me better than anyone else. But, I think I get on well with them, and I think they like me well enough. At least as far as I can understand.

I still get invited to all the family functions - lunchtime bbqs that always seem to start at about 10 a.m for some reason. Where within seconds of arriving I'll have beer and wine pressed into my hands, no matter how much I protest. Now, I like a drink but generally not before midday. And then after we finish eating at about 11, my mother-in-law will just lie down and have a nap. Anywhere she is. I've seen her in the hall, the garden, and even once in the greenhouse. Oh, and there was that time they came for lunch and she curled up on our kitchen floor. That day I'd cooked them a roast chicken, potatoes and vegetables. They were so surprised. People don't cook whole chickens in Japan, and they'd never even seen a whole one. While everyone else ate the meat that I'd carved off the bird, my father-in-law took the carcass and gnawed and chewed and sucked at it, until he'd reduced it to a neat little pile of bones.

And then there's the nudity. I have seen far more of my mother-in-law than I would like. My best friend even has seen far more of my mother-in-law than she would like. She once came over and found my mother-in-law passed out on the toilet snoring away with her pants down around her ankles. And I've turned up several times and she's been wearing nothing on her top half. And I mean NOTHING. Everything just swinging around in a very tribal way.

I do get on pretty well with my sister-in-law, but she seems to argue with her husband all the time. I once saw her cleaning a cabinet that she was moving to her new house, and then about half an hour later it was all smashed to pieces. We asked her what happened and she said she had a fight with her husband and smashed

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