by Lori Vadala Bizzoco

Created on: January 05, 2009

Photographing Our Goodbye

It was a balmy spring afternoon. The weather was in the mid-to-high 80's but when the cool ocean breeze emerged it made the island more bearable. Although I had been to the Caribbean many times before, the only knowledge I had of Puerto Rico was when I was running through The Luis Munoz Marin International Airport to catch a connecting flight. But, this time was different. A deliberate trip was planned to the Isle of Enchantment with my boyfriend, John.

One particular afternoon, as John and I were enjoying a walk through the city of Old San Juan, we stumbled upon the beautiful waterfront property which overlooks San Juan Bay. "Let's take a photo of you on the boardwalk," he said.

The sun was shining brighter than normal and I could barely see two feet in front of me. Although my sunglasses lay delicately strung around my neck on a beaded lanyard, they did not serve much purpose for blocking the sun. It was my reading glasses that spent most of the day resting on my face when I traveled. John knew the drill whenever we took pictures; the prescription glasses had to come off. I needed them to see but they did not enhance my image.

As I waited patiently for my very own Robert Doisneau to take the photo of me against the sea, the sun grew hotter and hotter. The rays beamed off my forehead and created small little wrinkles around the corners of my eyes as I squinted to avoid the bright light from entering in. The blazing heat beating down on my bare arms began turning my shoulders into a tender shade of cherry red and the indentation above my eyes and in between my nose made me look like a prime candidate for Botox. On this particular vacation and on this particular day, I did not seem to mind these destructive aspects of the sun. The impact was miniscule in relation to the immediate problems looming over us.

You see, this was another one of John's "I am sorry. Please forgive me; let's make-up vacations." I had heard this plea before. The most recent event took place a few short months ago. John broke off our four-year relationship and came begging for forgiveness the following week. The emotional rollercoaster ride of making-up and breaking-up became a common pattern with him. Even still, my mind replayed the same thought each time, "What if he really is sorry and he does want to make things different this time." With that, I always took him back.

As I waited patiently for John to take my photo that afternoon, the sun's energy electrified the synapses in my brain and my vision of the relationship became instantly clear. At that very moment, even with the day light blinding me and with my reading glasses off, I could see our future perfectly.

As I posed for the camera, that intense sunlight radiating across my face allowed me to create a protective shield to squint back the tears that at any moment could roll down my cheek. The explosive heat burning on my skin disguised the emotional pain felt inside and the lines that formed between my brows as the sun glistened in my eyes hid the anger of knowing deep inside that this time would not be any different.

When the sun went down that evening, and the cool breeze settled in, I mimicked the weather's cold temperature by making the decision that this time things must be different. This time, I was different. This time would be the last. This time, I was the one saying, "It's over."

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