I could go on and on about giving birth. It is the most beautiful moment of your life and the most revulting at the same time. I kept telling my husband and family the things that I didn't want to happen in the birthing room. And wouldn't you guess? They all happened!
The date is July 4, 2007. My due date is today. However, I'm not going into labor today. Not me. I've been dilated 2 centimeters for the past month and have had constant diarrhea every day. But, I'm not going into labor today. I am supposed to be induced at the end of the week. So, what do I do? I go to my father's birthday party and I eat everything in sight. I ate so much that my family was nauseas. My aunt kept telling me that I was going to go into labor and because I ate so much, they would have to give me an enema. How come everyone knew I was going to go into labor but me? My mom kissed me goodbye as I left her house and told me she would be seeing me at the hospital later. I didn't think so. But, I wish I had listened and not eaten so much because as soon as I got back to my apartment, my water broke!
At the hospital I was in so much pain! However, all I could think about was whether or not they were going to give me an enema! My aunt had to put that into my head! Well, as soon as I could, I asked the nurse and they looked at my like I had ten heads. They told me it was good that I stuffed my face because I was going to need that energy. So at this point, I am thinking energy? What the hell did I get myself into?
Throughout my pregnancy I had concerns about the epidural. I had decided to go au natural. Boy was I an idiot. As soon as they asked me if I wanted that epidural I screamed YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Please note that I had only been in labor for thirty minutes prior to this. What can I say? I know I am all talk.
I kept making jokes that I would be a guinea pig when I went into labor. I was right. I of course got the nervous intern doctor. He was working with another doctor who I guess was his mentor. They had him check to see if my water actually broke. Oh my God! I am already in huge amounts of pain and now they send someone who isn't sure what he is doing to do an internel exam! It was excrutiating. I was livid. Then of course his mentor had to do a re-check to make sure he was accurate. A woman in labor should not be used as practice. I was like what the hell is wrong with these people? The intern was very scared to talk to me. He kept mumbling things and I kept having to ask him, "What are you saying?" He finally confused me completely when he told me that I was supposed to be induced on Friday but since I am here now we will keep checking to see how everything goes. I was like what? Are you telling me that you might send me home and wait until Friday? The nurse explained to me that I would not be going home any time soon. That I was in labor and there would not be any inducing on Friday. I was going to leave with my baby. That was obvious and even she knew he was a moron. I mean what was the point of telling me that? Interns have no place in birthing rooms unless they are in labor!
So I am waiting for the epidural and am in an enormous amount of pain. However, wouldn't you know? The nurse had questions for me. I cannot for the life of me remember what she asked. But, I do remember having to describe the pain I was in on a 1-10 scale and describe my whole medical history. Is she for real? I mean I really wanted to kill this woman. She had my damn chart. It had my history already. Why the hell was she asking me every question in the book? I am in so much pain I can't even talk. Needless to say the little bitch that was my nurse had never given birth before. That really pissed me off. All I wanted was the epidural and where was the surgeon? He finally came into my room a hour after I agreed to the epidural. And of course once I received the epidural and was no longer in so much pain, the questions stopped. So basically when you are intense pain and cannot talk, they ask you questions. But, when you can finally talk and are comfortable, no one wants to talk to you.
I was only in labor for 4.5 hours. This was my first child and unheard of. Most women are in labor 15+ hours with their first. They called the doctor and he couldn't believe I was fully dilated already. They told me that it would take a hour for him to get to the hospital. I told them that they baby was coming right now. They told me that every time I felt the need to push, to just blow it away. Are you kidding me? I mean we aren't talking about taking a dump. I am talking about giving birth to a person. How do you expect me to blow the urge to push a person out of me away?
A friend of my parents had told me she pooped on the table giving birth. Most people wouldn't share this information to a women pregnant with her first child. But, I guess she felt the need to. Anyway, this became my fear. When the doctor finally made his grand entrance and I had permission to push, I couldn't. I felt the poopies coming on. They kept teling me to push and I kept telling them NO! I told them if I push, I will poop. They of course tried to reasure me that it was fine to poop, they have seen it many times. But, hello! No matter what you say, I will not feel comfortable pooping in your face! I mean it's bad enouh that my va jay jay is hanging out for everyone to see. But, now you expect me to feel comfortable taking a poop with all of you hanging out down there?! Well wouldn't you know? Since I wouldn't push, the doctor got mad and walked out of the room. He said, "She's not ready!" And he seemed very annoyed. Excuse me, but you are being paid alot of money and you have the audacity to get mad and walk out of the room! What the hell is wrong with this doctor? I got so mad that I said, "I am ready now." After that, I had no problem pooping all over him!
Throughout my pregnancy, I said I did not want to have stiches down there. I have read and heard from others that you most likely will experience vaginal tearing due to obvious reasons such as a person squeezing through that area. Even worse, your doctor might have to perfom an episiotomy. Which is when they have to slice the area between your va jay jay and anus! Well, I said not me! I will not get stiches. I will not get an episiotomy. I feared it. My thinking was that if I had stiches down there, how could I function? I mean really, how could someone possibly go to the bathroom without ripping them open? That is not an area that is meant to be stiched! I spoke to my doctors and they reassured me that they do not perfor, episiotomies and that they would not let my vaginal area tear. I am so gullable. I actually believed them! Well, I got stiches. I don't know if I teared on my own or if the doctor cut me. The time goes by so fast and you have other things on your mind. It's only when he is still fiddling around down there, after the childbirth part is over and the placenta has passed through, that you realize you're getting stiches. At that point, anything goes. And you soon realize that area can be stiched. You can go to the bathroom with no problems. Skin, even va jay jay skin, heals.
But even after all of that, I would do it again and again. My little baby girl was worth every minute of it. Even if I had to have my va jay jay stiched up, be completely mortified by pooping in front of strangers, and experience pain like I have never experienced pain before. Childbirth is a miracle. It might be a messy and uncomfortable miracle. But it is still a blessed miracle. I am thankful for my baby girl. And believe it or not, I am thankful for my experience as I can look back and laugh about it. I will definatly have another baby or two or three! Every birth is different and unique. I can only hope for the next one to be an even more humourous and miraculous event; as I would like to have twins!