by elizabeth bliss

Created on: January 04, 2009

What NOT to say to a woman dealing with infertility. Being a woman that has had to deal with this problem up close and personal, I can put forth a little personal information on what I personally didn't want to hear.

First, it will happen when you are ready: Well if I wasn't "ready" I wouldn't be trying...I wouldn't be taking drugs and taking weekly tests. I wouldn't cry hysterically every time I took an at home test and it came up negative...again. I'm ready, I've been ready.

Second, Once you stop "trying" is when you'll finally get pregnant: That personally is just dumb...a better piece of advice is try your hardest NOT to stress out about not being pregnant...the stress only adds to your infertility.

Third, it's not your fault: You don't know that, what if I'm morbidly obese with so many health problems associated with it, and my husband is a pumped up steroid freak that has testicles the size of peas...NO it's "not our fault" it just happened to be this way...a lot of infertility issues are associated with past drug abuse and current health condition, not to mention the billion and a half things that cause cancer and lets not forget genetics!

Fourth: Maybe this isn't in your "cards": If you've never been baby crazy you have no idea what an infertile woman goes through...you sit and observe everyone else and realize that everyone else has a child but you, your unable to go to functions where children are for fear of leaving in a tearful mess. Where every heart beat your soul aches for the completeness only a child can bring.

It's the most heartbreaking experience any woman can go through. As a woman this is supposed to be the one thing you above everything else are made to do. When thats taken away regardless of what you want and you sit by and watch people having abortions or hear other women complaining of their "birth control babies" it's only infuriating. Looking into adoption is painful it's self. What if I don't have the money? Finding out that society would rather a child wither away in an orphanage than give them to you, just because you don't have the financial means of handing out tens of thousands of dollars. Not to mention the many women looking to give away their unborn, unwanted child, only to find out if you offer to raise and love and provide a safe home for her child you have to pay her, you have to pay for her health insurance (when in America some people have enough trouble affording their own let alone a strangers). The best advice I can give as far as what NOT to say to a woman with infertility problems, is just don't say anything unless you know from personal experience and approach cautiously with "When I (we) were having problems this is what we did..." not " You should do this because that worked for me...". It's best just to wish them the best and hope everything works out and don't dwell on the subject. If she wants to talk about it she'll bring it up. Unless you have a magic wand or the power to "fix" her just leave it alone.

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