by Susan Peabody

Created on: January 04, 2009

Christians are taught to love unconditionally, to turn the other cheek. But can we love too much. Where does christian love leave off and codependency begin?

I am a recovering codependent and a Christian. When I talk to my codependent friends I hear all about taking care of myself, standing up for myself, and putting myself first. In Robin Norwood's book Women Who Love Too Much step No. 9 is "Learn when to be selfish." When I go to church I hear about turning the other cheek, giving more than you are asked to give, going that extra mile, dying to self and for better or for worse. Emmet Fox in the Sermon on the Mount says to "resist not evil."

I think you can see my dilemma. I am confused. Should I be learning how to be selfish or should I be learning how to suffer? Where does Christian love leave off and codependency begin? This is the question I would like to explore in this essay. I believe it is an important question for codependent Christians and I believe there is an answer. That answer lies is the proverbial "middle ground."

In the beginning of the codependency movement we had the alcoholic. He, or she, was always the "identified patient." Then we identified his or her partner as having a problem. This person was called a co-alcoholic. Protests quickly surfaced about the restrictions of this term. "What about me?" said the partners of people who used drugs. "My partner is not an alcoholic, but I act just like the co-alcoholic." In answer to this cry from the masses the term "codependent" was created. Initially this term applied to the partner of an alcoholic or drug addict substance abuser. Soon, however, the world codependent began to apply to the partner of any person who did anything "too much." We had co-sex addicts, co-gamblers, etc. The first books on this subject, the classic being Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie looked at codependency from this angle a codependent had to be somebody's romantic or marital partner.

It did not take long to discover that people who did not have a romantic partnership or marriage could still be codependent in their relationships. The literature now reflected "parents" who loved too much or codependent therapists. Today, this broader interpretation is the norm. Codependency is a disorder that is benign until the codependent forms some kind of relationship. However, to the terms lovers and spouses we now add friends, siblings, children, parents, bosses, groups, therapists, ministers or doctors.

This shift in definition

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