by Kathryn Hood

Created on: January 03, 2009

The Trouble With Love

The truth is I am not sure I should have been born. I have a mother whose primary goal in life is to dote on my father, and a father who only acknowledges me when he thinks other people are looking. Maybe in their younger years it was different, but I don't think so. The only time I can remember Mom telling me that she loved me was just before she and my father took off on a vacation together. Perhaps it was guilt that made her say it, or maybe fear that if she didn't say it her trip would be jinxed. All I remember is hiding when it was time for my parents to leave. I didn't want my mother to give me a kiss on the cheek and say those three little words that embarrassed me. "I love you." Yuck! Funny thing, as I sit here thinking, I can't remember a time in my entire life my father ever said it. I guess there are small miracles in the world.

"Kat? Are you listening? Did you hear what I just said?" Benny asked grabbing my hand, peering into my eyes to see if I was daydreaming or if I was too shocked to respond.

"Yes, I heard you. I'm just trying to think about what I should say."

"What? Don't you have any idea what you should say when a guy tells you that he loves you?" He had a hurt expression on his face.

And that was the problem. I wasn't sure how I should respond.

Benny and I had been dating for a few months. We had slept together a couple of times, usually when I had gotten a bit too drunk at the local hang out, Rodeo Knights. I met Benny there. I had gone in thinking it was a cute name for a bar that played country western music, and had mostly cowboy wannabes as customers. Benny had been the exception. He had looked like a "couldbe ". You know the type of guy who could be the one to steal your heart. Maybe I should have been looking past his great smile and broad shoulders.

He worked as a truck driver for a local company. His job wasn't the over -the -road type of driving. Mostly he moved trucks around on the company lot, backing the trailers up into cargo bays so they could be loaded, and then moving them to another location on the lot until they were picked up by the guys who did do the over -the -road hauling. Benny liked the hours since he went in really early, around two am, and got off work at ten in the morning. It gave him the rest of the day to devote to me. Yeah, lucky me! I told myself to stop being sarcastic.

Don't get me wrong, Benny is a nice guy. Again that was the problem. I wasn't looking for nice... I was looking for great. I didn't need someone I could live with. Living on my own was exactly what I wanted. What I needed was someone I couldn't live without. Benny wasn't that guy.

Of course to be honest, neither had the last four guys I dated. Each time I shot them down when they got to the "lets get serious" stage. It was just like being a kid again. Hear those three little words and run and hide. Poor Benny didn't know he had just committed emotional homicide. He just killed our relationship.

I reached over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Got to go. I have to get to a funeral." And then I left, knowing I wouldn't be seeing him again.

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